:)

These next 3 post are originally from my Journal, but my hands have been hurting lately and I know I won't be able to write everything I want to write by hand, so I am transferring everything here :)

At the beginning of this, my husband and I were starting to read the Love Dare, and trying to save our marriage. He had moved out, still is, from our house and was staying with his parents. So here is goes.

Day One: Love is Patient- Friday April 13th 2012

Today Zack and I will begin The Love Dare. I am hopeful this works out and that Zack and I can actually work through this. I am not sire if I actually want this to work, but I owe it to my children to try. I owe it to them to try one last time. I don't think that Zack and I are meant to be together any longer. I want different things out of life and from my partner. But I can't give up and be selfish. If after this our lives don't change then I will know for sure its over and will start making plans for our future. Is it possible for 2 people to fall out of love? We were 16 when we got together, and 18 when we moved in together along with a 18 month old. I feel like we grew apart. I feel like we forcing our relationship, because we know nothing else. We have been together for 1/3rd of our lives. We are comfortable with each other and wouldn't know where to start again. I want the kind of love from my books. Someone who actually loves me. I want to be with a man like the ones I read about, Someone to whom I am it, THE ONE. I just want to matter to someone.

So today we start this journey. At the end of the 40 days we will know where we stand. I pray to God for understanding.

I FAILED

I MIGHT BE GETTING A DIVORCE.  
I am online searching the Do's and Don'ts of Divorce. 
This should NOT be happening right now. I am 24 years old and have to daughters. All I can think of, is the fact that I FAILED.
I FAILED at being a wife, I FAILED at marriage! 
I FAILED! 
That is all I can think about right now. I keep saying it in my head. It goes around and around. I feel like the biggest failure in the world right now.
I never wanted to be divorced! It's the reason why it took me 2 years to finally marry Zack. I hate this. The worst of it all is that, I have no one near me who is on my side. I feel so utterly alone. I live with Zack's family surrounding me from all sides. With my family hours away. I just feel alone. 
I have so much going on right now through my head and I can't seem to be able to release it all as I would like. I hate that even in that I am failing.