And Then Everything Goes Downhill

Today started of great. My husband and I rested (he has Fridays and Saturdays off), I made bows and he learned how to make ribbon roses. [I know, you don't have to say anything] All day we had a good time with our girls. Went into town ran some errands and came home and relaxed again. I sold bows, made some custom bows and finally bejeweled the black ribbon rose he made for my daughter Haley. We are going to a quince tomorrow and she needed a bow. At about midnight I start shutting everything down and get ready for bed. He wants some and honestly I am exhausted from a very long day. So I say no. He goes to take a shower and comes out all pissed and stomping. Ugh, I know what the signs mean. This night is about to get longer. I call it my husbands 'time of the month' He goes off on his rampages and be careful if you are in his path as I always happen to be. I can never seem to let anything go. Instead of going to bed and letting him cool off by shooting some guys on MOH I goad him. A mistake that I have made before. I have this thing about going to sleep mad. I never want to. And I can't sleep until we're both in bed.I mean we have this party to go to tomorrow. If he doesn't get his sleep time, he's like a baby who didn't take a nap. Very annoying. Tonight was no different than any other night in the past, except that I am tired of being the battered woman who has a bit of a bruised cheek or a swollen lip. I hate the lies that come with being an abused woman. I especially hate the curious looks. We live in a very small town, so anyone hearing our little outburst are known to let the whole town in our little[big] fight. You know there are other men out there that I think are worse than my wife-beating husband. The men that apologize after hitting you and saying that they'll never do it again are the bad ones. Anyway, I am getting side-tracked. Other times I have taken the slaps once ina while the punches or the head bashing onto things, this time I fought back. He railroaded me onto my bed and I just started kicking. I think it surprised him because I saw a quick look. Then we he backed off I taunted him, I said "come on isnt this what you want, come on hit me, but know I am going to hit oyu back. He says I dont want to hit you I just want this done. This refers to the house cleaning. And then I can't help but feel responsible for the whole thing. I am not the perfect house wife. I have been improving I swear but apparently not quickly enough. I have kept the house clean, there's no trash on the floor or clothes. I have done the dishes, and there isn't much more that needs to get done. I have tried to keep the house cleaner now that I have people coming over to see my bows, and he complains that because there's people coming over that that is the reason I am cleaning. I don't know about this anymore. I don't clean he gets mad then I clean and he still gets mad. As I am writing this I am realizing that the hits are not my fault. I love my husband very much{battered woman's syndrome anyone??). On our good days we are perfect for each other but on our bad days, well get out of the way. This blog thing is helping me understand a bit more about myself. I am very happy I started one.

Missing Pieces

I keep thinking about the Staats family and how the lost their little girl. I keep seeing this gorgeous baby's picture on Facebook and can't help but think of the beautiful life she and her family could have had. This baby hadn't even started life yet, but in the short 4 months she was here, she touched so many peoples lives. As I sit here and write this, I am getting so choked up. Tears are threatening my eyes. I feel so bad for them. I read Kellie's blog everyday and continue to check back throughout to see if there are any new posts. I feel like I know her, like this is happening to a close friend of mine. I don't know her pain but I feel pain for her loss. I can't imagine what she's going through, but I am crying nonetheless. I feel the need to hug her and tell her everything will be alright, but nothing ever will be for her or her family. How do you go on after a loss like that? How does life get back to normal if there's someone missing. My heart has broken for her pain. I literally think of her everyday. I see her daughters picture smiling so full of life and hope for the future and now she's just gone. How does a mother go on?

This only makes me feel worse at the type of mother that I am. I have 2 very beautiful children and sometimes I can't stand to me around them. I know that if I work hard that someday very soon I will be a great mother to my girls. Till then I am going to mourn the loss of precious Maddie along with her family as her death hit me pretty hard.