I Make Things For My Girls..

So I make bows. I also make different things for my daughters. I like to but them pretty clothes, even though they hardly ever go anywhere looking nice. I wish that I could dress them like the little girls they are but they are both a bit tomboyish. Even if they weren't I wouldn't know what to do. I mean I know how to dress them, I know what clothes look good on them, but I am lazy parent. But I am getting sidetracked. I make my girls things. I have been turning myself into this 1950's housewife who is crafty and plans out everything to the last minute. I make my girls things. Yes, I am aware that I have written that same sentence a number of times. I just have to keep writing it until you get what I am saying. I make my girls things. Right now I am planning my youngest daughters 3rd birthday. I am going to make the centerpieces and her invitations and her out fit and I am going to attempt to make her a birthday cake from scratch. I am not the best cook in the world. I have 3 meals that I can cook to perfection but I make things for my girls. I am trying to learn how to sew so I can make them clothes. I have learned to make bows, tutu's, appliqued shirts and approximately 3 years ago I made my first batch of invitations to my baby shower. I have made my kids invitations ever since. I recently started selling my bows. Like I said my girls are tomboys. I feel like if I make them their things that I am automatically a better mother. I am a sucky mother. I know it. I don't beat my kids or abuse them in any way, but I am a bit neglectful. I let them do their own thing, get their own cereal and juice. I am not a horrible parent, but I feel that the more I make for them the more points I get as a mother. The better everyone thinks of me as a mother. So I make things for my girls. Writing this blog out has really given me an outlet and makes me think about the things I can do to become a better mother. Not just the clothes and all that but actually become a better mother. Until then I am going to continue to make things for my girls....

In a mood...

So I am sitting here at home(like always) making bows(again, like always) and I'm thinking about how frustrated I am getting at the girls. They are really getting on my nerves. Olivia keeps crying for no reason and Haley keeps singing the same song over and over again. So annoying... These girls, I swear IDK what I'm going to do with them. I honestly can't wait for the weekend so I get my time away from them.But I am breathing in and out very slowly to keep my temper in check.

On a different note, I haven't worked out today... I need keep up with this. I'm going to work out tonight like I like to do. IDK if it's better to do it in the morning or whatever but I am going to wait till the girls are in bed and asleep before I start. I also need to clean up the house. The kitchen is the main one for today. UGH I hate cleaning you have no idea. But I have to do it....

Staying Home and Losing Weight

I stay at home all the time. I'm used to being out all the time on the road or at the store. Now I stay home with my girls. I'm in the middle of trying to lose weight. I know that I have to. I mean seriously I am 23 years old and I weigh almost 300 pounds. I have got to lose at least 50 before I am happy about having to give up all my favorite foods and everything in between. I honestly need to feel better about myself at the end of all this. So all in all I stay at home and I'm trying to lose weight. So today is the first day that I am really going on a DIET. I know that I can't eat whatever and still lose the weight. So here we go. My starting weight is 297. By the end of March I want to be 277. That's 20 pound in a month. Lets see how I do. I know I need to do this. Sometimes I just  don't want to. I am so tired of being fat though. I hate trying on clothes. But after this, after I lose the weight, I am so going on a shopping spree. I hope that I can do this.

Getting Lost

I used to read a lot. I mean I could read 10 books in a week and still want to read more. I would get lost in them. I would leave my world and become the young heroine. It was me who was falling in love with the Duke. I was the one flying over buildings on a broomstick. When I turned 15, I entered what I call my 'Depressed Year'. I had been a very out going person up until then. I would sit in our backyard with a good romance and just read for hours, or until my mother called me inside. Every parent wants their children to read a lot. Every school encourages reading. Well, my mother was not happy at all about the amount of time I spent reading a book. I had hundreds of books, all of them my favorites and one day I get home from school and they are all gone. I cried for days. I have always been very different from my Mexican family. I am a first generation American. Unlike all my sisters and cousins, I have always been very proud to call myself an American. The Mexican part of me is, I'm sorry to say, but not very important. I can speak fluent Spanish but my children only speak English. Not that I'm ashamed or anything, but I have always considered myself an American. I have always read rather than go to a party or club or anything like that. I never learned to dance like my family, never really wanted to. I have always been the weird one in my family. When I was 16, we got the internet at my house. I started to talk to an older man in chat rooms. I felt like he understood me better than anyone else. We would talk on the phone for hours on end. Needless to say that our phone bills were outrageous. My mother sent me to live with my father. I met a boy in this tiny town. I don't know if I fell for him or I just needed to get away from the norm that was my life. One day we had sex and 2 weeks later I am late. At first all I could think about was having an abortion. I just wanted myy life to be normal again. But on January 3 2005 I welcomed my baby girl Haley. Her dad and I had split (DUH!) and it was just me and her. My mother supported me through this and we made it through. Zack and I eventually got back together and we raised our Haley together. Now we are married and have another little girl Olivia. As I sit here writing this I can't help but think about how I need to be a better mother to them. Sometimes I wish that I could still get lost in my books. Leave this world and enter one where I know for sure there is a happy ending. Life is so unpredictable. As much as we can plan for a better future, something will always get in the way....

Starting Out This Blog

This is the first time that I blog. I am hoping to release some of my inner monsters and maybe feel better about myself as a mother and a wife. 
I have days where I feel like I need to run from my life. Leave everything behind and just run. I want the life that I see others living and I don't know how to get over that. I read the saddest thing yesterday. A fellow blogger lost her little girl. I cried and continued to cry. I can't stop feeling so guilty that I want to run from my husband and my children, while this woman lost hers. 
I have been trying to get closer to god and when I feel like I am something happens that makes me question everything once again. I don't know where I am going. I feel lost and like I'm just floating along with whatever is happening. I can't talk to anyone because I fear that they will just look at me and think that I am crazy. I love my children and I love my husband. I want to be a better mother. I just don't think that I can. I don't know how...