The Game

So, since getting back on the market, I have found that its all one big game. Whoever shows they care less, is the supposed winner. I don't get it. Ugh! It is so frustrating that people can't be honest. Honesty is the FOUNDATION to any relationship. I don't play games. I am 24 almost 25 and feel too old to be playing these child-like games. If you don't want to talk, or aren't interested anymore, then please just let me know. Don't keep stringing me along till I am a nervous wreck wondering what is going on. I don't understand it. 

Ugh! It is profoundly annoying when people aren't honest. HONESTY! Its pretty damn easy. Trust me! I can't stand these stupid little games. I am the type who tells it like it is. I call a spade a freaking spade. If I like you, I will tell you. I don't beat around the bush and I am very genuine. What you see is usually what you get. I don't play games.I am pretty freaking honest. I don't get why guys and women play these games. I see it all the time in books, where if the couple could just be honest from the start, they could be together. Or they could move on from the pain and find the person they are meant to be with without all the crap they put themselves through. I just don't understand. I guess since I have never had to play the game, I just sort of passed through that point in my life. And I am seriously not interested in going there now. I wish I could find someone who was MATURE and ready for a REAL relationship and not want to play all these childish games. I just want to be able to find that man. I just want someone who is going to love me and want to be with me and I don't have to worry about any other crap. I just want to be happy. That is all. Is that so much to ask for? Am I expecting too much out of life? Because I don't think I am. I'm not sure though. I'm not sure if that kind of FOREVER love is out there for me, or if I am doomed to be in relationship after relationship looking for something I seem to be missing. I don't want to do that to my kids. They don't deserve that and neither do I. I just want to be loved. And honesty is the key to that. I don't want to keep going through life just passing by. Depressed and alone. I want to be happy. I want to be able to say that I am happy. I wish that I could act like a single person without anyone caring or wondering why. I wish I could be honest in my actions instead of having to pretend that I am happy and that I want my husband. Ugh! I just want to be me. I want to be Belinda. That's it. Belinda. Not H&O's Mom or Z's wife. I just want to be Belinda. I have never been just Belinda.

First dates...

So on Saturday, I might have a date... I'm not sure how this "dating" thing works LOL. Do you talk on the phone, text on the days leading up to the date, just the day before... I have never been in this position before.. It's new and exciting and I am so nervous! I won't believe that I am on an actual date till I'm driving there LOL. I am so nervous about the whole thing. I can't wait, but then again I am so insecure that I am sure he's going to cancel or something. I just don't know how this works and I am so nervous about it. I think I just wrote the word "nervous" like 5-6 times. I'm excited and can't wait to be there.
I just wish I was more secure about myself. I want to be certain of where I am heading.
I HATE THAT I DON'T KNOW THE DATING PROTOCOL!!!
I don't know how to greet the person. Do I hug him, shake his hand, peck on the cheek? AHH I don't know! I am 24 going on 25 and I have never been on a real first date before. I am SO not counting 'him' as a date BTW. That was nothing! I am nervouse because new guy actually asked me for a date. At a coffee shop. For lunch. I'm not sure what to do with this information. I can't process it with a clear outcome either because I am so sure he's going to cancel or something.
BTW do I text him at all like today? I have no clue what I'm doing and no one that I can talk to about any of this. It sucks so much that I am totally inept at this. Maybe I should post a question on Yahoo answers. LOL. Yea maybe not.. UGH! I don't know what to do. I am so out of my depth here its insane. I just don't know what to do and it freaks me out. A LOT! I am freaking out! What if he doesn't like me? I am so nervous its not even funny. I am so scared too. I giggle when I'm nervous and I laugh at pretty much anything that comes out of peoples mouths at this time. I just don't want to make a fool out of myself. That is my biggest worry. Emotionally, and in dating years, I'm probably like 16 years old. I am not a calm cool and collected 24 year old mom of 2. I am the awkward 16 year old I was almost 9 years ago. I am still her. Insecure, emotionally insecure, with low self esteem and body issues. I just don't know how I'm going to do this. I want to act like I am Ms. Cool girl. And I can't. I don't know how. :/ But I have to say, my depression has lessened a lot since I atarted this new pathway. I think I am actually in a better place for myself. I just hate that I am hurting my husband with all this.
Its crazy though! We haven't been happy in a really long time. SO I don't know why he keeps acting like we have this amazing marriage that we REALLY don't have. I just don't know how to make him see that he really isn't as happy as he thinks he is. We are good parent's to our daughters, but not together.

Letting Go..

OK, so today I wrote "him" an email saying goodbye and closed that door. I might have been a bit bitchy though but whatever. Would you like to see the email??
Here it is:

OK this will FOR SURE be the last email you get from me, unless you write back then whatever, but anyway last email coming from me....

Sorry I keep emailing you. I'm pretty sure I mentioned before that I hate unfinished business. And to me you feel unfinished. (hehe*dirty thought*) I just ended my marriage... which is huge for me. I know you're busy and we can't talk as often, hell we shouldn't talk often since you and I are married to other people. I talked to my husband about my feelings and even told him a bit about you, not the ONS part, but the talking part. I realized that I can't keep pretending to be happy while looking for someone else. I know what I am missing in my life and I want it bad. I am missing intimacy, and not in the sexual part, but in the way that I want to connect with someone. I want to be able to go on dates and talk whenever... I am a hopeless romantic whose heart lives in her vagina... I can't have meaningless sex as much as I want to... and trust me I wish I could because it would make my life a whole lot easier. I know that you're busy working A LOT so you don't have time to email me after every single email, but I send you a pic that YOU requested and then total silence... It does NOTHING for my self esteem... So whatever, I have decided to put an end to whatever this (you and me) was. You can't give me what I want and I can't be the person you fuck every now and then. If I were you though, I would look into my wife's extra curricular activities, because women can't live without sex, no matter how frigid they seem. And if nothing is going on there, grab her tie her to the bed and perform all those amazing things you did to me and the ones you were planning on. I promise you, she will appreciate it.  You obviously want to be married, so try and fix things with your wife. I know I am over stepping my bounds here, but since this is the last email I send you... So goodbye "name" have a good life and I hope you and wife can fix things. Truly I hope that because you are a good guy and deserve to be happy.
Thank you for showing me what I was missing in my marriage, because now I know what I want from my next relationship...

Sorry again about turning into email stalker LOL Emotionally I am about 18/19 years old In other words I am still a kid a heart :)

OK Bye...

What do you guys think? IDK I like it... Whatever, MOVING ON!

I found someone else to fixate on :) WHich is why I think its so much easier to let go of 'him' than it was yesterday LOL 

I'm actually liking him more. He's interested in an actual relationship, well friendship first, than just sex. It's what I feel I need at this point in my life. I just hope everything works out for the best. I'm still hoping 'he' will email, but I'm trying to let go. I am also letting go of my guilt with my husband and I honestly consider him my ex at this point. New guy knows I am married but separated and its the truth. I want to get my own place, but without a job I'm not sure what to do. I need some help in figuring that part out right now. I just want to be happy and for once, I feel like I'm on track to get there. Let's hope the week keeps going in the same direction. That's all I have for now :)

Truly Loney

Today, I dropped my husband off at the bus stop so he can start his training for his new job. I can honestly say that I have never felt so alone before. I know its going to be a process of getting used to sleeping alone and not having anyone here with me, but I just so feel so bad... As I was leaving the bus station, I was crying and hyperventilating I got in my car and sobbed for about 5 minutes and then my phone buzzed and I found myself wishing it was 'him' I wish he would message me. I am sitting here wishing and hoping for him to message me. Isn't that insane?? I am crying for him to message me. I wish I felt this way about my husband. Agh! I hate myself for feeling like this. I hate that I can't love my husband anymore. I hate what I am know this will do to my daughters. I hate myself. Before he left, my husband and I talked about how I am feeling and all the crap I wish I could stop. He said for me to do what I needed to do to find myself and figure out what I want to do with my life and we'll go from there. That he won't let me go so easily, I just know that I don't feel the same about him anymore and it hurts... I just want to find someone else to fixate on that way I can forget "him" Ugh, I just wish he would message me...

My Own Personal Diary

I treat this place as my personal diary... This is the only place that I can be me and that I don't fear talking about my crappy inner feelings and my personal demons. I can talk to myself here and let out all the crap that I am feeling without having to open my mouth. And right now all I can tell myself is to let go of "him" and move on... I wish I could do casual. I wish I could just start sleeping around and not worry about the crap that I am missing. But of course I can't. Like Meredith said in that one episode of Grey's Anatomy, my heart lives in my vagina. It does... The part of my brain that forms attachments lives there. (HEHE 2 psych classes in one semester and I think I'm a genius!) Anyway... why can't I be slutty. I should want to be out there meeting new people and enjoying my life since I have NEVER been a SINGLE adult! AT ALL!!! I had my oldest at 17, moved in with her dad the day after I graduated high school and here we are 6 years later... miserable. I should WANT to do things people my age have done already. But alas, I just want to find true love... I just want to find someone to talk to and share my life with. Who wants to share their life with me too. Who is allowed to share their life with me. Who can talk to me at any time of day and not have to worry about wifey finding out. Who can take me out and be seen with me. Whom I can bring around my family, some one to LOVE! That is all I want. I just want to find that head over heels, love where all you think about is the other person. I just want LOVE. I want what I haven't been able to obtain in the last 6 years of my live in relationship with my husband. I told him today that I think I need to see a doctor about my depression and he said, would me eating your pussy make you happy... UGH!!!! I can't have a normal conversation with him. No matter how hard I try. As much as feel like my marriage is over, I am still trying to find a way back to him.

Just Another One of Those Days...

So, today, yet again, I feel like crap. I really wish that I could find someone that I could talk to and maybe forget the crappy life I live. I need that in my life right now. I don't know what to do anymore. I really wish I could go back to not knowing what I was missing. I wish that I could learn to settle for the life I have. But no. I have to go and start over thinking my life. I have to read romance novels about how happy people albeit in stories are once they find the loves of their lives. I have to go and ruin myself, for what? Absolutely nothing. Because no matter how hard I try, I will always be this. This person who is unhappy with everything. You have no idea how much I wish that I could feel for my husband the the way the books describe it. I want that kind if love. No, I NEED that kind of love. I am so miserable without it. Please, GOD send me that kind of love. I'm begging for it. Please, show me the way to happiness. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I hate myself! I am so miserable! I can't even be happy just hanging out with my husband. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to live without that kind of happiness anymore. I need someone that can give me that. I need love and romance and passion. I need laughter and genuine conversation. I need someone who will bring me out of my funky moods and just make life interesting instead of the crap hole I find myself in. I just want someone that I can talk to... To make me forget this depressing time in my life. I need something to HAPPEN! I just want to be happy. Is that so hard to do? Is it really that hard to find someone to make me happy? I want someone to love. GOD, PLEASE, I AM BEGGING YOU! PLEASE.
----- Your Faithful Servant,
              Belinda

:(

Sigh... I think my extramarital "thing" has ended. At least it feels that way. I have emailed him and have not gotten a response since yesterday. I know that he's been on, I'm not sure what is going on. I need some information so I can process my feelings on this right now. If he wants to end it, he has to say so. That way I won't feel as lost as I do now. I just want to know what is going on. That's all. But I don't want to email him again because what if I am just over-reacting? Ugh! I hate this. I hate being in this position in my life. I feel even more alone than I did before and that's saying something. AHHHHH!!!!!! I wish I could just scream out loud! O well, story of my life! Write back later!