Feelings

So, I had a talk with my husband about how I have been feeling, And of course it blew up in my face. According to him our relationship problems would fix themselves if I cleaned house more often.  I hate that he is so oblivious to my feelings and the cruel reality of our marriage. I can't handle this anymore. I want, no I NEED to change my life. Only I can do that. No one is responsible for my happiness other than myself. My sister has been trying to get my mom used to the idea of me heading toward divorce. My mother is devout Christian, who believes once you are married, that's it! You have to live with the choice you made no matter what. She told my sister that I shouldn't be thinking about getting out of my relationship and instead pray that I fall back in love with my husband. As if I haven't been trying to do that for years now. My feelings haven't come out the blue. They have been here manifesting themselves for years. I have worked HARD to fix my marriage. I have poured my soul into my marriage to the point that I no longer am myself. I don't believe that GOD wants me to be miserable. I'm almost positive that HE wants me to be happy, and live my life based on HIS word. I can't do that and stay in the same situation that I am in now. Its just not possible. I am done. I have reached my breaking point. I know that I am done, because I have started the moving on part of this before my marriage is even officially over. I have always been vehemently against cheating. ALWAYS! From the very beginning of our relationship, I told my husband, If one person feels the need to look for someone else, the relationship is obviously over. If we were happy with our lives then we wouldn't need to bring anyone else into the equation. Life is not supposed to be like this. I hate the idea of leaving my girls in the same situation I was in as a child. One thing I do promise myself and them is that I will not go from being married to immediately entering a different relationship. I will NOT bring different men around my daughters until I KNOW FOR SURE that he will not just be another person in their lives.I promise that they won't have a string of "uncles" walking in and out the door. I know that I can do this on my own. I know that I can. Am I being selfish in wanting to be happy away from my kids father? That's what kills me the most. My youngest LOVES her Daddy. He can't leave for work without first giving her a goodbye kiss and hug. How do I do what I am about to do to her? In the next week my husband is actually going to start a new job as a truck driver. He will be gone for about 2-3 weeks at a time. This will be my trial period on how I do without him in our lives and maybe adjust to be without him 24/7. All I know right now is that I am going to give myself the time to figure everything out and try very hard at being a better mother. I have to prove myself to my children and to my husbands family that I can do this on my own. I need to figure this all out on my own.