The Game

So, since getting back on the market, I have found that its all one big game. Whoever shows they care less, is the supposed winner. I don't get it. Ugh! It is so frustrating that people can't be honest. Honesty is the FOUNDATION to any relationship. I don't play games. I am 24 almost 25 and feel too old to be playing these child-like games. If you don't want to talk, or aren't interested anymore, then please just let me know. Don't keep stringing me along till I am a nervous wreck wondering what is going on. I don't understand it. 

Ugh! It is profoundly annoying when people aren't honest. HONESTY! Its pretty damn easy. Trust me! I can't stand these stupid little games. I am the type who tells it like it is. I call a spade a freaking spade. If I like you, I will tell you. I don't beat around the bush and I am very genuine. What you see is usually what you get. I don't play games.I am pretty freaking honest. I don't get why guys and women play these games. I see it all the time in books, where if the couple could just be honest from the start, they could be together. Or they could move on from the pain and find the person they are meant to be with without all the crap they put themselves through. I just don't understand. I guess since I have never had to play the game, I just sort of passed through that point in my life. And I am seriously not interested in going there now. I wish I could find someone who was MATURE and ready for a REAL relationship and not want to play all these childish games. I just want to be able to find that man. I just want someone who is going to love me and want to be with me and I don't have to worry about any other crap. I just want to be happy. That is all. Is that so much to ask for? Am I expecting too much out of life? Because I don't think I am. I'm not sure though. I'm not sure if that kind of FOREVER love is out there for me, or if I am doomed to be in relationship after relationship looking for something I seem to be missing. I don't want to do that to my kids. They don't deserve that and neither do I. I just want to be loved. And honesty is the key to that. I don't want to keep going through life just passing by. Depressed and alone. I want to be happy. I want to be able to say that I am happy. I wish that I could act like a single person without anyone caring or wondering why. I wish I could be honest in my actions instead of having to pretend that I am happy and that I want my husband. Ugh! I just want to be me. I want to be Belinda. That's it. Belinda. Not H&O's Mom or Z's wife. I just want to be Belinda. I have never been just Belinda.

First dates...

So on Saturday, I might have a date... I'm not sure how this "dating" thing works LOL. Do you talk on the phone, text on the days leading up to the date, just the day before... I have never been in this position before.. It's new and exciting and I am so nervous! I won't believe that I am on an actual date till I'm driving there LOL. I am so nervous about the whole thing. I can't wait, but then again I am so insecure that I am sure he's going to cancel or something. I just don't know how this works and I am so nervous about it. I think I just wrote the word "nervous" like 5-6 times. I'm excited and can't wait to be there.
I just wish I was more secure about myself. I want to be certain of where I am heading.
I HATE THAT I DON'T KNOW THE DATING PROTOCOL!!!
I don't know how to greet the person. Do I hug him, shake his hand, peck on the cheek? AHH I don't know! I am 24 going on 25 and I have never been on a real first date before. I am SO not counting 'him' as a date BTW. That was nothing! I am nervouse because new guy actually asked me for a date. At a coffee shop. For lunch. I'm not sure what to do with this information. I can't process it with a clear outcome either because I am so sure he's going to cancel or something.
BTW do I text him at all like today? I have no clue what I'm doing and no one that I can talk to about any of this. It sucks so much that I am totally inept at this. Maybe I should post a question on Yahoo answers. LOL. Yea maybe not.. UGH! I don't know what to do. I am so out of my depth here its insane. I just don't know what to do and it freaks me out. A LOT! I am freaking out! What if he doesn't like me? I am so nervous its not even funny. I am so scared too. I giggle when I'm nervous and I laugh at pretty much anything that comes out of peoples mouths at this time. I just don't want to make a fool out of myself. That is my biggest worry. Emotionally, and in dating years, I'm probably like 16 years old. I am not a calm cool and collected 24 year old mom of 2. I am the awkward 16 year old I was almost 9 years ago. I am still her. Insecure, emotionally insecure, with low self esteem and body issues. I just don't know how I'm going to do this. I want to act like I am Ms. Cool girl. And I can't. I don't know how. :/ But I have to say, my depression has lessened a lot since I atarted this new pathway. I think I am actually in a better place for myself. I just hate that I am hurting my husband with all this.
Its crazy though! We haven't been happy in a really long time. SO I don't know why he keeps acting like we have this amazing marriage that we REALLY don't have. I just don't know how to make him see that he really isn't as happy as he thinks he is. We are good parent's to our daughters, but not together.

Letting Go..

OK, so today I wrote "him" an email saying goodbye and closed that door. I might have been a bit bitchy though but whatever. Would you like to see the email??
Here it is:

OK this will FOR SURE be the last email you get from me, unless you write back then whatever, but anyway last email coming from me....

Sorry I keep emailing you. I'm pretty sure I mentioned before that I hate unfinished business. And to me you feel unfinished. (hehe*dirty thought*) I just ended my marriage... which is huge for me. I know you're busy and we can't talk as often, hell we shouldn't talk often since you and I are married to other people. I talked to my husband about my feelings and even told him a bit about you, not the ONS part, but the talking part. I realized that I can't keep pretending to be happy while looking for someone else. I know what I am missing in my life and I want it bad. I am missing intimacy, and not in the sexual part, but in the way that I want to connect with someone. I want to be able to go on dates and talk whenever... I am a hopeless romantic whose heart lives in her vagina... I can't have meaningless sex as much as I want to... and trust me I wish I could because it would make my life a whole lot easier. I know that you're busy working A LOT so you don't have time to email me after every single email, but I send you a pic that YOU requested and then total silence... It does NOTHING for my self esteem... So whatever, I have decided to put an end to whatever this (you and me) was. You can't give me what I want and I can't be the person you fuck every now and then. If I were you though, I would look into my wife's extra curricular activities, because women can't live without sex, no matter how frigid they seem. And if nothing is going on there, grab her tie her to the bed and perform all those amazing things you did to me and the ones you were planning on. I promise you, she will appreciate it.  You obviously want to be married, so try and fix things with your wife. I know I am over stepping my bounds here, but since this is the last email I send you... So goodbye "name" have a good life and I hope you and wife can fix things. Truly I hope that because you are a good guy and deserve to be happy.
Thank you for showing me what I was missing in my marriage, because now I know what I want from my next relationship...

Sorry again about turning into email stalker LOL Emotionally I am about 18/19 years old In other words I am still a kid a heart :)

OK Bye...

What do you guys think? IDK I like it... Whatever, MOVING ON!

I found someone else to fixate on :) WHich is why I think its so much easier to let go of 'him' than it was yesterday LOL 

I'm actually liking him more. He's interested in an actual relationship, well friendship first, than just sex. It's what I feel I need at this point in my life. I just hope everything works out for the best. I'm still hoping 'he' will email, but I'm trying to let go. I am also letting go of my guilt with my husband and I honestly consider him my ex at this point. New guy knows I am married but separated and its the truth. I want to get my own place, but without a job I'm not sure what to do. I need some help in figuring that part out right now. I just want to be happy and for once, I feel like I'm on track to get there. Let's hope the week keeps going in the same direction. That's all I have for now :)

Truly Loney

Today, I dropped my husband off at the bus stop so he can start his training for his new job. I can honestly say that I have never felt so alone before. I know its going to be a process of getting used to sleeping alone and not having anyone here with me, but I just so feel so bad... As I was leaving the bus station, I was crying and hyperventilating I got in my car and sobbed for about 5 minutes and then my phone buzzed and I found myself wishing it was 'him' I wish he would message me. I am sitting here wishing and hoping for him to message me. Isn't that insane?? I am crying for him to message me. I wish I felt this way about my husband. Agh! I hate myself for feeling like this. I hate that I can't love my husband anymore. I hate what I am know this will do to my daughters. I hate myself. Before he left, my husband and I talked about how I am feeling and all the crap I wish I could stop. He said for me to do what I needed to do to find myself and figure out what I want to do with my life and we'll go from there. That he won't let me go so easily, I just know that I don't feel the same about him anymore and it hurts... I just want to find someone else to fixate on that way I can forget "him" Ugh, I just wish he would message me...

My Own Personal Diary

I treat this place as my personal diary... This is the only place that I can be me and that I don't fear talking about my crappy inner feelings and my personal demons. I can talk to myself here and let out all the crap that I am feeling without having to open my mouth. And right now all I can tell myself is to let go of "him" and move on... I wish I could do casual. I wish I could just start sleeping around and not worry about the crap that I am missing. But of course I can't. Like Meredith said in that one episode of Grey's Anatomy, my heart lives in my vagina. It does... The part of my brain that forms attachments lives there. (HEHE 2 psych classes in one semester and I think I'm a genius!) Anyway... why can't I be slutty. I should want to be out there meeting new people and enjoying my life since I have NEVER been a SINGLE adult! AT ALL!!! I had my oldest at 17, moved in with her dad the day after I graduated high school and here we are 6 years later... miserable. I should WANT to do things people my age have done already. But alas, I just want to find true love... I just want to find someone to talk to and share my life with. Who wants to share their life with me too. Who is allowed to share their life with me. Who can talk to me at any time of day and not have to worry about wifey finding out. Who can take me out and be seen with me. Whom I can bring around my family, some one to LOVE! That is all I want. I just want to find that head over heels, love where all you think about is the other person. I just want LOVE. I want what I haven't been able to obtain in the last 6 years of my live in relationship with my husband. I told him today that I think I need to see a doctor about my depression and he said, would me eating your pussy make you happy... UGH!!!! I can't have a normal conversation with him. No matter how hard I try. As much as feel like my marriage is over, I am still trying to find a way back to him.

Just Another One of Those Days...

So, today, yet again, I feel like crap. I really wish that I could find someone that I could talk to and maybe forget the crappy life I live. I need that in my life right now. I don't know what to do anymore. I really wish I could go back to not knowing what I was missing. I wish that I could learn to settle for the life I have. But no. I have to go and start over thinking my life. I have to read romance novels about how happy people albeit in stories are once they find the loves of their lives. I have to go and ruin myself, for what? Absolutely nothing. Because no matter how hard I try, I will always be this. This person who is unhappy with everything. You have no idea how much I wish that I could feel for my husband the the way the books describe it. I want that kind if love. No, I NEED that kind of love. I am so miserable without it. Please, GOD send me that kind of love. I'm begging for it. Please, show me the way to happiness. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I hate myself! I am so miserable! I can't even be happy just hanging out with my husband. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to live without that kind of happiness anymore. I need someone that can give me that. I need love and romance and passion. I need laughter and genuine conversation. I need someone who will bring me out of my funky moods and just make life interesting instead of the crap hole I find myself in. I just want someone that I can talk to... To make me forget this depressing time in my life. I need something to HAPPEN! I just want to be happy. Is that so hard to do? Is it really that hard to find someone to make me happy? I want someone to love. GOD, PLEASE, I AM BEGGING YOU! PLEASE.
----- Your Faithful Servant,
              Belinda

:(

Sigh... I think my extramarital "thing" has ended. At least it feels that way. I have emailed him and have not gotten a response since yesterday. I know that he's been on, I'm not sure what is going on. I need some information so I can process my feelings on this right now. If he wants to end it, he has to say so. That way I won't feel as lost as I do now. I just want to know what is going on. That's all. But I don't want to email him again because what if I am just over-reacting? Ugh! I hate this. I hate being in this position in my life. I feel even more alone than I did before and that's saying something. AHHHHH!!!!!! I wish I could just scream out loud! O well, story of my life! Write back later!

I want to change my life

I want to change my life. I want to change the fact that I am so self conscious. I hate that I don't think that I deserve whatever I have in my life. I wish that I could change me. I just want to be a better me. I want to be a better person. I want to be less self conscious and doubtful of my own abilities. I just want to be better. I want to make a decision about my marriage. I want to BE ABLE to make a decision about it. I can't keep living the same way that I have been. It doesn't work. I can't work this way. I can't keep doubting myself and the decision that I see myself making very soon. I know that I want to end my marriage because I am no longer happy in the position that I am in. I want to find someone who will treat me the way I think I deserve to be treated. I want to be better... I want to be better... I want to be better... I want to be certain of the place I see my life heading. I don't want to be waffling on this subject anymore. I can't let the fear of doing the wrong thing, or making the wrong decision. I just don't want to be miserable anymore. I want and deserve to be happy. My daughters deserve to be happy. I like getting emails for 'him'. I love it. But I still wish that I could talk to him every day and not have to worry about spouses and anything like that. I want a man who is free to talk to me and not just looking for a hook up. I am WAY passed that stage in my life. I just want to be happy. I want to be free to look and find someone who is free to look for me. I don't want to be afraid to look and find someone who is going to make me happy. I want to be happy! I need to decide. I might call my older sister tonight and ask for help on this. I just don't know what to do. I had a talk with my husband and he doesn't want to let go. He wants to keep fighting for our relationship, but I am tired of having to fight for something that I know isn't working and hasn't been working since it began more than 8 years ago. I am done fighting. I am just done. I just don't know how to move on from here. How to leave my husband, when I have no place to go. I am a stay at home mother. I just started school. I have no job. How do I do this... This is what I need help on. This is what I need help on.

The End

The End. That's how this will start. Last night my husband and I talked. "I don't understand, help me understand." That's what he said right before bed. So I just told him. I am NOT IN LOVE with you anymore. I basically ended my marriage last night. And I didn't shed a single tear... How wrong is that. My husband was literally bawling, and I'm sitting there annoyed at the (over) emotion on his part. I told him that I love him but not in the same way. Not anymore. I'm not sure where we're going from here. I told him how lost I am. He honestly doesn't seem to get it. He doesn't see exactly how unhappy I am. Ahh! I am about to be 25 years old and I am so lost! He gave me his wedding band, and said: keep it and try to come back to me, give it back to me when you know where you are going. I don't know if I want to try anymore. I don't know if I want to stay in this relationship anymore. I just don't know anymore. I want something different. I am craving something different. Like I told him last night, I don't know if I'm just bored with my life, or if I really don't want to be married to him anymore. I want to be able to have the option of being able to go out with someone and not feel too guilty. I a just tired of feeling personally responsible for all the crap in my life. I hate thinking that its MY fault that our life sucks and that everything bad that happens is my fault. If I do something bad, I always feel like the next bad things is on me. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I don't know how to stop those feelings. I just want to feel normal for once. I want to be my age for once. I have always been my mothers daughter, Haley's mom, my husbands wife, I just want to be ME. Is that so much to ask for? I just need to find me. Find out who I am by myself. That's what I need right now. That's what I want. I just want to understand my role in life. I want to see what I can do on my own, and what kind of mother I am on my own. I need to do that.    

Life Sucks And Then You Move On

I am a strong believer that Life is intended to kick your ass. Its how we learn to get up and dust ourselves off and move on. Its GOD'S way of making sure we turn to HIM in our hour of need. So that we know HE is there for us. I am very grateful for the blessings HE has bestowed upon me. I know that I matter to HIM. I am VERY BLESSED. I pray to HIM about the predicament I find myself in now. I pray that if this isn't the way its suppose to happen to please remove me from the situation. I know that no matter what HE will guide me through all this and I will come out the better for it in the end. This faith that I have in HIM is very new to me. But it gives me a peace that I had not known. 

I want to be able to move on from this situation in life. I want to be able to make a decision and stick to it because I know the HE is the one who is guiding me. I just making the right decision. I want to be able to act my age for once in my life. And I guess I want a taste of the life I didn't have. I am becoming more open and more outgoing and in my current living conditions it's not working. My life is NOT working. I am unhappy and I want something different. I need something to change.

 

Feelings

So, I had a talk with my husband about how I have been feeling, And of course it blew up in my face. According to him our relationship problems would fix themselves if I cleaned house more often.  I hate that he is so oblivious to my feelings and the cruel reality of our marriage. I can't handle this anymore. I want, no I NEED to change my life. Only I can do that. No one is responsible for my happiness other than myself. My sister has been trying to get my mom used to the idea of me heading toward divorce. My mother is devout Christian, who believes once you are married, that's it! You have to live with the choice you made no matter what. She told my sister that I shouldn't be thinking about getting out of my relationship and instead pray that I fall back in love with my husband. As if I haven't been trying to do that for years now. My feelings haven't come out the blue. They have been here manifesting themselves for years. I have worked HARD to fix my marriage. I have poured my soul into my marriage to the point that I no longer am myself. I don't believe that GOD wants me to be miserable. I'm almost positive that HE wants me to be happy, and live my life based on HIS word. I can't do that and stay in the same situation that I am in now. Its just not possible. I am done. I have reached my breaking point. I know that I am done, because I have started the moving on part of this before my marriage is even officially over. I have always been vehemently against cheating. ALWAYS! From the very beginning of our relationship, I told my husband, If one person feels the need to look for someone else, the relationship is obviously over. If we were happy with our lives then we wouldn't need to bring anyone else into the equation. Life is not supposed to be like this. I hate the idea of leaving my girls in the same situation I was in as a child. One thing I do promise myself and them is that I will not go from being married to immediately entering a different relationship. I will NOT bring different men around my daughters until I KNOW FOR SURE that he will not just be another person in their lives.I promise that they won't have a string of "uncles" walking in and out the door. I know that I can do this on my own. I know that I can. Am I being selfish in wanting to be happy away from my kids father? That's what kills me the most. My youngest LOVES her Daddy. He can't leave for work without first giving her a goodbye kiss and hug. How do I do what I am about to do to her? In the next week my husband is actually going to start a new job as a truck driver. He will be gone for about 2-3 weeks at a time. This will be my trial period on how I do without him in our lives and maybe adjust to be without him 24/7. All I know right now is that I am going to give myself the time to figure everything out and try very hard at being a better mother. I have to prove myself to my children and to my husbands family that I can do this on my own. I need to figure this all out on my own.

Today...

Today, I feel like crap... Today, I know that I definitely need a change in my life, and I am not sure how to accomplish that. I need a friend. I need someone that I can talk to about all the crap the I am feeling. Today, I know that something is wrong in my life. Something is going in the wrong direction and now I am lost. Lost to the world around me. Lost in myself. Lost in my personal demons with my life. I am not happy in the direction that I am moving. I am not happy period. I think I need professional help. I am lost in a pit of self loathing and self destruction. I don't know what to do about being happy where I am. I just don't know anymore. I DON'T KNOW! That is my problem with my life right now. I am lost in the direction that I am heading. I am just lost. 
I am miserable. I am unhappy. I need a change. Those are the 3 things that I KNOW. Put stars around I need a change. I just don't know how to go about changing anything. I don't know how to change my life. I should really talk to my sister about this, but my problems have never really mattered to anyone. They have always been treated like dramatic nothings in my family. All I know is that I hate feeling like this. I HATE it. How do I change it? Please if someone is out there who can help me with this, please contact me. I don't want to be unhappy. Gosh, I am such a positive person! I have always been a positive person. I don't know how to handle this person that I have become. I don't know how to be this new me,

LOL Life

**If there's anyone actually reading my sporadic post, please don't judge me too much after this one!**

So, the last time I wrote in here I was in the middle of trying to save my marriage. Well, My husband and I are still together. We never really resolved anything and in the end I just decided to move on with my life whether he's there or not. I really don't care anymore. Which I think is worse than anything. I recently, like in the last 7 days recent, met a man who is married and pretty much in the same situation as I am. Miserable with our spouses, but can't leave because of our kids. I met him for dinner and things kinda took off from there. I feel bad about the whole "cheating" thing, but I can't help but feel a little more alive since I did it. It just proves to me even more, that my marriage is over. That saddens me because its not as if things can change. I am pushing my husband away more and more every day and I'm not sure where to go from here. I don't know what to do! I never expected this to be my life. IF there's anything that I hate, its cheating. It doesn't make sense to me. Even though I was there, AM there at the moment. I don't know what I am doing anymore. 
This morning I am depressed more than usual. And ever the 'Google-ist' I Google: Signs a spouse is cheating. I found this: http://marriage.about.com/cs/infidelity/a/infidelsigns.htm
I looked through the signs and I literally laughed/cried! I am a little hysterical at the moment :) I am going to list them below:
 
Here are some warning signs that your spouse could be cheating on you.

• Your spouse seems bored. Bored with you, with job, with kids, with hobbies, with life in general. I have this going on at the moment
• Your spouse seems to want danger or thrills in his/her life. I have this going on at the moment
• There is considerably less intimacy in your relationship. Your sex life is practically non-existent.I have this going on at the moment
• Your spouse has a low self-esteem.I have this going on at the moment
• You notice your spouse has a sense of confusion about self.I have this going on at the moment
• Your spouse has become lazy, especially around the house.I especially laughed at this one :)
• Your spouse is more negative.
• You can't get your spouse to communicate with you.I have this going on at the moment
• Your spouse gets very defensive if you mention infidelity or affairs.
• Your spouse is suddenly more attentive than usual.I have this going on at the moment
• Your mate is working longer hours at work.
• Your spouse is dressing nicer, looking nicer.I have this going on at the moment
• You notice charges on credit card statement that don't make sense.
• Your spouse is indifferent to family events like birthdays and holidays.
• You find your partner has been lying to you about a variety of things.
• Money becomes more of an issue between the two of you.
• He/she doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything with you anymore.I have this going on at the moment
• You can't even get your mate to fight with you. This is another funny one
• You feel as if you are being avoided.
• Your partner abandons religious faith. Actually, I am turning more towards GOD on this issue.
• Your spouse seems more secretive.
• You discover lipstick smudge on shirt.
• You learn that you have an STD and you've not strayed.

So there you have it. Signs that your spouse is cheating. 
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This WAS NOT going to be my life! I am supposed to be blissfully happy to be with the father of my children. TO lead a relatively good, although VERY, boring life. This is NOT supposed to be happening to me! I am THE hopeless romantic, who always dreamed of being with the man of her dreams. Happy, BLISSFULLY happy. Why can't I just be happy with what I have. I want to be swept away. To be loved, and cherished, adored, and taken care of. I want to with someone who SHOWS me they love me. I don't want to be unhappy. I don't know what to do NOT to be. This isn't me. I am a glass half full always! How do you end a marriage? Especially when you have daughters who LOVE their father. I don't know how to do this. If there's someone out there in cyber world who just read this and is shaking their head and judging me, please don't. I am a good person. And if there's someone who can give me some advice on this, please do so. I welcome any insight on these crappy feelings.