Truly Loney

Today, I dropped my husband off at the bus stop so he can start his training for his new job. I can honestly say that I have never felt so alone before. I know its going to be a process of getting used to sleeping alone and not having anyone here with me, but I just so feel so bad... As I was leaving the bus station, I was crying and hyperventilating I got in my car and sobbed for about 5 minutes and then my phone buzzed and I found myself wishing it was 'him' I wish he would message me. I am sitting here wishing and hoping for him to message me. Isn't that insane?? I am crying for him to message me. I wish I felt this way about my husband. Agh! I hate myself for feeling like this. I hate that I can't love my husband anymore. I hate what I am know this will do to my daughters. I hate myself. Before he left, my husband and I talked about how I am feeling and all the crap I wish I could stop. He said for me to do what I needed to do to find myself and figure out what I want to do with my life and we'll go from there. That he won't let me go so easily, I just know that I don't feel the same about him anymore and it hurts... I just want to find someone else to fixate on that way I can forget "him" Ugh, I just wish he would message me...

My Own Personal Diary

I treat this place as my personal diary... This is the only place that I can be me and that I don't fear talking about my crappy inner feelings and my personal demons. I can talk to myself here and let out all the crap that I am feeling without having to open my mouth. And right now all I can tell myself is to let go of "him" and move on... I wish I could do casual. I wish I could just start sleeping around and not worry about the crap that I am missing. But of course I can't. Like Meredith said in that one episode of Grey's Anatomy, my heart lives in my vagina. It does... The part of my brain that forms attachments lives there. (HEHE 2 psych classes in one semester and I think I'm a genius!) Anyway... why can't I be slutty. I should want to be out there meeting new people and enjoying my life since I have NEVER been a SINGLE adult! AT ALL!!! I had my oldest at 17, moved in with her dad the day after I graduated high school and here we are 6 years later... miserable. I should WANT to do things people my age have done already. But alas, I just want to find true love... I just want to find someone to talk to and share my life with. Who wants to share their life with me too. Who is allowed to share their life with me. Who can talk to me at any time of day and not have to worry about wifey finding out. Who can take me out and be seen with me. Whom I can bring around my family, some one to LOVE! That is all I want. I just want to find that head over heels, love where all you think about is the other person. I just want LOVE. I want what I haven't been able to obtain in the last 6 years of my live in relationship with my husband. I told him today that I think I need to see a doctor about my depression and he said, would me eating your pussy make you happy... UGH!!!! I can't have a normal conversation with him. No matter how hard I try. As much as feel like my marriage is over, I am still trying to find a way back to him.

Just Another One of Those Days...

So, today, yet again, I feel like crap. I really wish that I could find someone that I could talk to and maybe forget the crappy life I live. I need that in my life right now. I don't know what to do anymore. I really wish I could go back to not knowing what I was missing. I wish that I could learn to settle for the life I have. But no. I have to go and start over thinking my life. I have to read romance novels about how happy people albeit in stories are once they find the loves of their lives. I have to go and ruin myself, for what? Absolutely nothing. Because no matter how hard I try, I will always be this. This person who is unhappy with everything. You have no idea how much I wish that I could feel for my husband the the way the books describe it. I want that kind if love. No, I NEED that kind of love. I am so miserable without it. Please, GOD send me that kind of love. I'm begging for it. Please, show me the way to happiness. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I hate myself! I am so miserable! I can't even be happy just hanging out with my husband. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to live without that kind of happiness anymore. I need someone that can give me that. I need love and romance and passion. I need laughter and genuine conversation. I need someone who will bring me out of my funky moods and just make life interesting instead of the crap hole I find myself in. I just want someone that I can talk to... To make me forget this depressing time in my life. I need something to HAPPEN! I just want to be happy. Is that so hard to do? Is it really that hard to find someone to make me happy? I want someone to love. GOD, PLEASE, I AM BEGGING YOU! PLEASE.
----- Your Faithful Servant,
              Belinda

:(

Sigh... I think my extramarital "thing" has ended. At least it feels that way. I have emailed him and have not gotten a response since yesterday. I know that he's been on, I'm not sure what is going on. I need some information so I can process my feelings on this right now. If he wants to end it, he has to say so. That way I won't feel as lost as I do now. I just want to know what is going on. That's all. But I don't want to email him again because what if I am just over-reacting? Ugh! I hate this. I hate being in this position in my life. I feel even more alone than I did before and that's saying something. AHHHHH!!!!!! I wish I could just scream out loud! O well, story of my life! Write back later!

I want to change my life

I want to change my life. I want to change the fact that I am so self conscious. I hate that I don't think that I deserve whatever I have in my life. I wish that I could change me. I just want to be a better me. I want to be a better person. I want to be less self conscious and doubtful of my own abilities. I just want to be better. I want to make a decision about my marriage. I want to BE ABLE to make a decision about it. I can't keep living the same way that I have been. It doesn't work. I can't work this way. I can't keep doubting myself and the decision that I see myself making very soon. I know that I want to end my marriage because I am no longer happy in the position that I am in. I want to find someone who will treat me the way I think I deserve to be treated. I want to be better... I want to be better... I want to be better... I want to be certain of the place I see my life heading. I don't want to be waffling on this subject anymore. I can't let the fear of doing the wrong thing, or making the wrong decision. I just don't want to be miserable anymore. I want and deserve to be happy. My daughters deserve to be happy. I like getting emails for 'him'. I love it. But I still wish that I could talk to him every day and not have to worry about spouses and anything like that. I want a man who is free to talk to me and not just looking for a hook up. I am WAY passed that stage in my life. I just want to be happy. I want to be free to look and find someone who is free to look for me. I don't want to be afraid to look and find someone who is going to make me happy. I want to be happy! I need to decide. I might call my older sister tonight and ask for help on this. I just don't know what to do. I had a talk with my husband and he doesn't want to let go. He wants to keep fighting for our relationship, but I am tired of having to fight for something that I know isn't working and hasn't been working since it began more than 8 years ago. I am done fighting. I am just done. I just don't know how to move on from here. How to leave my husband, when I have no place to go. I am a stay at home mother. I just started school. I have no job. How do I do this... This is what I need help on. This is what I need help on.

The End

The End. That's how this will start. Last night my husband and I talked. "I don't understand, help me understand." That's what he said right before bed. So I just told him. I am NOT IN LOVE with you anymore. I basically ended my marriage last night. And I didn't shed a single tear... How wrong is that. My husband was literally bawling, and I'm sitting there annoyed at the (over) emotion on his part. I told him that I love him but not in the same way. Not anymore. I'm not sure where we're going from here. I told him how lost I am. He honestly doesn't seem to get it. He doesn't see exactly how unhappy I am. Ahh! I am about to be 25 years old and I am so lost! He gave me his wedding band, and said: keep it and try to come back to me, give it back to me when you know where you are going. I don't know if I want to try anymore. I don't know if I want to stay in this relationship anymore. I just don't know anymore. I want something different. I am craving something different. Like I told him last night, I don't know if I'm just bored with my life, or if I really don't want to be married to him anymore. I want to be able to have the option of being able to go out with someone and not feel too guilty. I a just tired of feeling personally responsible for all the crap in my life. I hate thinking that its MY fault that our life sucks and that everything bad that happens is my fault. If I do something bad, I always feel like the next bad things is on me. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I don't know how to stop those feelings. I just want to feel normal for once. I want to be my age for once. I have always been my mothers daughter, Haley's mom, my husbands wife, I just want to be ME. Is that so much to ask for? I just need to find me. Find out who I am by myself. That's what I need right now. That's what I want. I just want to understand my role in life. I want to see what I can do on my own, and what kind of mother I am on my own. I need to do that.    

Life Sucks And Then You Move On

I am a strong believer that Life is intended to kick your ass. Its how we learn to get up and dust ourselves off and move on. Its GOD'S way of making sure we turn to HIM in our hour of need. So that we know HE is there for us. I am very grateful for the blessings HE has bestowed upon me. I know that I matter to HIM. I am VERY BLESSED. I pray to HIM about the predicament I find myself in now. I pray that if this isn't the way its suppose to happen to please remove me from the situation. I know that no matter what HE will guide me through all this and I will come out the better for it in the end. This faith that I have in HIM is very new to me. But it gives me a peace that I had not known. 

I want to be able to move on from this situation in life. I want to be able to make a decision and stick to it because I know the HE is the one who is guiding me. I just making the right decision. I want to be able to act my age for once in my life. And I guess I want a taste of the life I didn't have. I am becoming more open and more outgoing and in my current living conditions it's not working. My life is NOT working. I am unhappy and I want something different. I need something to change.