Thankful Days 9, 10, and 11

The last few days have been spent with me in bed battling a time change cold (yes I made that up) My voice is nearly gone and my nasal passages have some blockage going on! I looked down my throat the other day with the (awesome) flashlight on my voice, and there are things back there that shouldn't be! I hate going to the doctor partially because of my no health insurance status and the rest because I hate doctors. So like every other year that I have gotten this sick, I am going to battle it out on my own. At least it isn't the flu or else I would have to send my girls to their grandparents house :) That's me always looking on the bright side of things :) Anyway, here I am. Late as usual with my Thankful's :) 

Thankful Day#9: I am thankful for... my laptop. I love that I can be in my warm bed surfing the web or working on Photoshop. Which brings me to thankful #10... WiFi. Both of these together are amazing! I love technology.

Thankful#11: I am thankful for... my Husband. I know I mentioned family in my other post, but today I am especially thankful for him. He may not be perfect, but I know he loves me. My sister has been the model house wife to her husband and he still treat her like crap. He cheats on her constantly! I don't understand how someone can do that to the person they supposedly love. I am thankful that regardless of the arguments my husband and I have, I can trust him. 

 

Oops... Days 5, 6, 7, and 8

Lets just say the past few days have been tiring :) On to the reason for this post.

Thankful #5: I am thankful for the many people who love my children. I truly believe that they are extremely blessed with their aunts and uncles, 2 sets of grandparent, 1 set of great-grandparents, and a great-grandmother. I love my family, which brings me to Thankful #6, and love that my children get to know their great-grandmother, my grandma. I am thankful for her every day of my life and truly don't know what I will do when she is no longer with us. I hate to even think on it. I love my guelita so much its indescribable. I am thankful for her :) 

Thankful#7: I am thankful for my sense of humor. (is that weird?) I love that I can laugh at strange situations and (especially) myself. I don't take anything too serious and I always try and see to bright side of any situation. I am a glass half full type of girl :) 

Thankful #8: Today (Nov. 8th) I woke up with a headache. Not the funnest thing when you have to get a 6 and 3 year old out the door in time for school :/ but I got up any way dressed them, did their hair and sent them off. I went back to bed and started playing around with photoshop :) I am thankful for photoshop. I love the program and can literally spend hours working on it :) I love that I am barely getting a handle on everything and love learning new things :)

So, yeah, now I am all caught up. Thank you for reading my silly little posts, or my ever serious ones. Life is so much better now that I can write type what I am thinking anytime of day.

Thankful Day 4

Day 4 of November. I can't believe that this year is about to end. By the first Monday of the new year I will be the 24 year old mother of a 7 year old daughter. I can't believe that! It seems like just yesterday I was holding her at the hospital, and now she's turning 7! Crazy!! 

For my Thankful of the Day :) 
 I am seriously thankful for warm blankets. It the first day of 30 degree weather here in South Texas and honestly to me its freezing :) Its going up to near 70 this afternoon, but this cold morning reminds me how much I love my blankets. And for those of you that your high of the day is 30 degrees, you have to understand this is SOUTH Texas we're talking about. Cool weather to us is mid 60's :) So yes I am thankful for blankets :) 

Thankful Day 3

I woke up this morning LATE! I quickly dressed my girls and sent them with dad to drop them off while on his way to work. (we live in a TINY town so its not a big deal. the elementary school is 3 blocks from my house :)) After waking up and trying super hard to get out of bed I realized that I had a tornado dream... These are SO not my favorite type of dream. Ever since I was a teenager I remember that after a tornado dream something bad happened. The one that stands out the most is the one I got a week or two before my uncle passed away. As soon as I made that realization, I started praying. I called my mom after sending my girls to school and she prayed with me some more. So I decided that I can't keep believing in this. SO I prayed some more and continued on with my day trying not be in a mood. So far its been a great day :) 

Thankful Day 1 and 2

I saw this on a few blogs and facebook, so I decided to start my own.

My Thankful List:
Since I am starting a day late I will post for today (the 2nd on Nov.) and yesterday (the 1st of Nov)

1.First and foremost I am thankful that I am loved by GOD. HE has blessed me in ways that I forget about but always remember when times are tough. I am never alone with HIM on my side. No matter how much life throws at me I know that  with GOD I can get through anything.

2. I am thankful for my family. With out them I don't know who I'd be or where in this world I would be going. My daughters and my husband are my life and they are the reason I am who I am. I want to be better because of them. My mother and my sisters are a big influence and can't imagine life without them.

:)

Bad things happen....

Bad things happen.
That's it.
Bad things happen to good people, for reason I will never understand. The first blog I came to was about a young mother who had just lot her daughter to SIDS. It broke my heart reading about this perfect little family full of love for this little person that just passed away one day in her sleep. It spiraled from there and I started reading other BLM's blogs. I can't understand why some babies are born perfect and others and not. They all teach us something whether they are here for a lifetime or unfortunately for these parents a few short moments. All the women in these blogs are good people. They are all READY to have children only to have them snatched from them after too short a time. I became pregnant with my first daughter at 16 and didn't see a doctor until I was about 24 weeks pregnant and thank GOD my daughter was perfect. these women PLAN their children, plan their lives around these babies that they are ready for and some don't get the chance to even hold a living child. Why? Why does this happen. Why can an unprepared 16 year old have a perfect daughter and a woman who is ready cannot? I am thankful for the blessings GOD has granted in my life and I know that I am blessed but sometimes I don't feel deserving. When days are bad, I feel that the crap I've done is the reason for those bad times. I feel that I am being punished in the middle of being blessed. (if that makes any sense) But then I see what these women are dealing with and I ask God "Why them and not me?" I have done horrible things and still have my beautiful girls in my life. I live in a world of regret and sometimes I don't know how much longer I can do this.

Selfish thoughts :/

Lately life has become very predictable. I wake up get my girls dressed for school, drop them off check the mail and come home. My hubby takes off to work at 8:30AM. At about 8-9 AM I get a call from my sister and we speak till 10-11. EVERYDAY! I am so bored I haven't had the energy to do anything. My love of crafts has dwindled as it too has become routine. I crave excitement, I crave LIFE! I want to feel a bit more my age (24) than this person who has been a mother for almost 7 years. I want to feel young. I hate that my life is passing by and I haven't done anything. I want to feel like I have something to look forward to every day and not this life that has become predictable to say the least.
Before getting pregnant with Haley at 16, I wasn't the party girl type or anything remotely close. I have always loved reading romance novels, and I always hoped love would find me in the same way it found the heroines of my books. I wanted that same passion that they discovered when they opened themselves up to it. Is it so bad that I feel as if that passion NEVER found me? I want to be whisked away and just loved. I want to be able to look at my husband and feel that... I can't even explain the feeling. I just hate that I FEEL AS IF SOMETHING IS MISSING IN MY LIFE. I love my daughters and can't imagine life without them, but I just want to feel different about the life that I lead. I am looking over my post and see exactly how many sentences start with the letter "I". Trust me I know how selfish I am being at the moment, but I have NEVER put myself first since I found out I was pregnant.
Its always been about someone else. About how they are doing, feeling and what they need or want. It has never been about what I need or what I want. I have always made concessions if Zack needs something, or have gone without if my girls want anything. I try to be a good mother to them and raise them differently from how I was raised. I just want life to be about ME for a change. I know SELFISH!!! One thing I know I NEED to do is get my education going so that I can move on from this point in my life. I need to make the changes in my life that need to be made so I can leave this town and every reminder of it behind. I HATE IT HERE!!! I love my husband, but honestly I'm not sure how much longer I can take his attitude, or his lack of ambition. I don't know if, after I finish taking the steps needed to get a career started, our relationship can work. I hate these thoughts more than you know but I can't help but think that if I had started my career would I deal with the crap that I deal with on a daily basis. I don't know how much longer I can do this for.
I want to be selfish. I want to think of only myself and my wants and needs. Fortunately, (THANK THE LORD) I love my children so much that I swallow the thoughts of my self-(UN)worth and try to make life happy for them. I put a smile on my face and act as if all is right with the world and look forward to the day that I can be just a little selfish and maybe think of myself and my daughter's happiness before anything else. Life never goes as planned, but I thank GOD that HE has blessed me with 2beautiful little girls and with the life that I do have after all the selfish thoughts I have.
If anyone ever reads this: please don't think too badly of me, I am just trying to figure out the best way to grow up...

Its one of those days...

I'm having one of those days where I wish I had someone to talk to about how I am feeling. I am so overwhelmed with the amount of work I have and can't get the energy to do it. I have about 5 orders to send out before these people start screaming bloody murder :/ I need to make them but I feel like laying in bed all day long! I think I am depressed. Maybe. I like the fact that I have thisblog to release some of the tension and be able to say what I want and not worry. I have to pay the water bill this week and the light bill needs to get paid as well. I need to stop stressing and get a hand on how things are running, I need to just stop and work!! I can do it I know I just need to quit with the self pitying crap! I am setting a goal as of now. I will finish all the auction bows by the time I have to get Zack from work :) I will be back later with the update :)

Life... :)

Life will go on without us...
I have tried this week to be a bit more understanding of where my life is and where it should be. I SHOULD be starting my career and enjoying my life as a wife and mother. Instead I am sinking into this depression... I am trying to be happy, trying to be a good other as well as a good wife, but sometimes I just feel like screaming! This WHOLE week my hubby has been whining about the fact that I don't have sex as often as I should. And literally he gets mad because I am not sleeping with him. Every time he says something I want to scream "Are you freaking kidding me!!! You aren't working or actively looking for a job, how am I supposed to RESPECT someone like you!!" Ugh! I am so tired!! I am always trying to figure out the bills. How to get away from it all without actually leaving. I am tired of feeling the occasional disgust towards my husband. I love him so much but at times I just want to get away!! In the last week I have been so aware of the fact that my life isn't what I wanted! I am almost 24 years old and I can't believe this is where I have landed. I had plans, dreams and a view of what my life would be even after I had my girls. My goal has always been to own my home by the time I am 25 and I know that it isn't going to happen :/ I am completely aware of the fact that I am so blessed with what I have. I thank God every day for what He has given me. I am blessed beyond belief with my girls and though I might struggle with my husband I still thank God for him. Yes I am depressed and hoping to deal with it myself. I know that I have to learn to accept this as my life and change the things that I can and learn to live with the things that I can not change. I just hope that my husband will be able to change along with me.....

LIfe As We Know It!

I feel that I might be growing :) I know that as I write this I am pretty much talking to myself and I really don't mind. Its good for me to let out what I am feeling in this blog, even if it is just to myself. I have grown to love my life... I still feel the need to get away from it all but I breath and count to 10. Every time one of my girls irritate me, I count to 10. Thanks to my hubby's cousin who told me to just count :) It ha actually helped a lot! I am currently trying to grow my Bow Business as well. I have had some reat compliments on my bows and feel the need to create more beautiful thing. I have to accept that I can't control what happens in this life, nor can I control where my life goes. All I can do is let it happen. My husband quit his job about 2 weeks ago and I have been so stressed out, that I blocked my self from making anything. I can't believe that he did what he did especially knowing that we live in a mall town where jobs are very hard to come by. I was angry at him for leading me down this path. I was not raised to sit back and watch as life passes you by, and can't understand how he can just let it go because he was stressed. Right now he is working through a temp agency for minimum wage! We were barely making it at 8.10 and hour plus overtime pay, can you imagine how tight we're going to be now? Ugh I get so frustrated! I have so many things that I want to do with my life and for him not to even try! Sorry this post was not supposed to be about me ranting but about me growing as a mother!
At the end of this school year(in 3 days) I will be the mother of a 1st grader and a preschooler. I honestly don't know where the time has gone! It is CRAZY!!! I am expanding my business to invitations, diaper cakes and more! I am super excited about this step in my life! I love it!!

The past week has been one hell of a week. It has been a long time since I felt the need to write but I felt it today. I have been making bows pretty much non-stop since February and I am loving the freedom that it gave me. I could make my own money and not have to ask my hubby for anything :) Well this week my hubby quit his job! Don't get me wrong I understand what this does to us financially but I also understand that he had to get out of the poisonous stressful environment he was in. On the other hand I can not believe he did this. Doesn't he realize that he is the SOLE provider for our family. I don't make enough in BOW sales to cover car payment, light, water and our cell phone bill. What the HELL was he thinking! I am trying to be the supportive wife and be understanding, but inside I am reeling. I pray to God that he finds a job soon! He has 2 weeks to find one so our bill can be paid before they shut off everything! Thankfully our car payment was paid for this month and we are not behind at ALL. Now I just don't know what to do for the rest of it.
I am so tired of having to stress over everything with my husband. I always feel like the other shoe is going to drop in the future. I can not depend on him for anything! Well I can depend on him to take over cleaning at the house when he is out of work. I kinda love having him home with me (LOL) We are going to fix up the girls room tomorrow and clean the yard next week. Hopefully the time that he is here, we will get a lot done.

I pray to our Heavenly Father that He finds my hubby a job soon. Something that He wants for my hubby and to send him in the right direction :)

And Then Everything Goes Downhill

Today started of great. My husband and I rested (he has Fridays and Saturdays off), I made bows and he learned how to make ribbon roses. [I know, you don't have to say anything] All day we had a good time with our girls. Went into town ran some errands and came home and relaxed again. I sold bows, made some custom bows and finally bejeweled the black ribbon rose he made for my daughter Haley. We are going to a quince tomorrow and she needed a bow. At about midnight I start shutting everything down and get ready for bed. He wants some and honestly I am exhausted from a very long day. So I say no. He goes to take a shower and comes out all pissed and stomping. Ugh, I know what the signs mean. This night is about to get longer. I call it my husbands 'time of the month' He goes off on his rampages and be careful if you are in his path as I always happen to be. I can never seem to let anything go. Instead of going to bed and letting him cool off by shooting some guys on MOH I goad him. A mistake that I have made before. I have this thing about going to sleep mad. I never want to. And I can't sleep until we're both in bed.I mean we have this party to go to tomorrow. If he doesn't get his sleep time, he's like a baby who didn't take a nap. Very annoying. Tonight was no different than any other night in the past, except that I am tired of being the battered woman who has a bit of a bruised cheek or a swollen lip. I hate the lies that come with being an abused woman. I especially hate the curious looks. We live in a very small town, so anyone hearing our little outburst are known to let the whole town in our little[big] fight. You know there are other men out there that I think are worse than my wife-beating husband. The men that apologize after hitting you and saying that they'll never do it again are the bad ones. Anyway, I am getting side-tracked. Other times I have taken the slaps once ina while the punches or the head bashing onto things, this time I fought back. He railroaded me onto my bed and I just started kicking. I think it surprised him because I saw a quick look. Then we he backed off I taunted him, I said "come on isnt this what you want, come on hit me, but know I am going to hit oyu back. He says I dont want to hit you I just want this done. This refers to the house cleaning. And then I can't help but feel responsible for the whole thing. I am not the perfect house wife. I have been improving I swear but apparently not quickly enough. I have kept the house clean, there's no trash on the floor or clothes. I have done the dishes, and there isn't much more that needs to get done. I have tried to keep the house cleaner now that I have people coming over to see my bows, and he complains that because there's people coming over that that is the reason I am cleaning. I don't know about this anymore. I don't clean he gets mad then I clean and he still gets mad. As I am writing this I am realizing that the hits are not my fault. I love my husband very much{battered woman's syndrome anyone??). On our good days we are perfect for each other but on our bad days, well get out of the way. This blog thing is helping me understand a bit more about myself. I am very happy I started one.

Missing Pieces

I keep thinking about the Staats family and how the lost their little girl. I keep seeing this gorgeous baby's picture on Facebook and can't help but think of the beautiful life she and her family could have had. This baby hadn't even started life yet, but in the short 4 months she was here, she touched so many peoples lives. As I sit here and write this, I am getting so choked up. Tears are threatening my eyes. I feel so bad for them. I read Kellie's blog everyday and continue to check back throughout to see if there are any new posts. I feel like I know her, like this is happening to a close friend of mine. I don't know her pain but I feel pain for her loss. I can't imagine what she's going through, but I am crying nonetheless. I feel the need to hug her and tell her everything will be alright, but nothing ever will be for her or her family. How do you go on after a loss like that? How does life get back to normal if there's someone missing. My heart has broken for her pain. I literally think of her everyday. I see her daughters picture smiling so full of life and hope for the future and now she's just gone. How does a mother go on?

This only makes me feel worse at the type of mother that I am. I have 2 very beautiful children and sometimes I can't stand to me around them. I know that if I work hard that someday very soon I will be a great mother to my girls. Till then I am going to mourn the loss of precious Maddie along with her family as her death hit me pretty hard.

I Make Things For My Girls..

So I make bows. I also make different things for my daughters. I like to but them pretty clothes, even though they hardly ever go anywhere looking nice. I wish that I could dress them like the little girls they are but they are both a bit tomboyish. Even if they weren't I wouldn't know what to do. I mean I know how to dress them, I know what clothes look good on them, but I am lazy parent. But I am getting sidetracked. I make my girls things. I have been turning myself into this 1950's housewife who is crafty and plans out everything to the last minute. I make my girls things. Yes, I am aware that I have written that same sentence a number of times. I just have to keep writing it until you get what I am saying. I make my girls things. Right now I am planning my youngest daughters 3rd birthday. I am going to make the centerpieces and her invitations and her out fit and I am going to attempt to make her a birthday cake from scratch. I am not the best cook in the world. I have 3 meals that I can cook to perfection but I make things for my girls. I am trying to learn how to sew so I can make them clothes. I have learned to make bows, tutu's, appliqued shirts and approximately 3 years ago I made my first batch of invitations to my baby shower. I have made my kids invitations ever since. I recently started selling my bows. Like I said my girls are tomboys. I feel like if I make them their things that I am automatically a better mother. I am a sucky mother. I know it. I don't beat my kids or abuse them in any way, but I am a bit neglectful. I let them do their own thing, get their own cereal and juice. I am not a horrible parent, but I feel that the more I make for them the more points I get as a mother. The better everyone thinks of me as a mother. So I make things for my girls. Writing this blog out has really given me an outlet and makes me think about the things I can do to become a better mother. Not just the clothes and all that but actually become a better mother. Until then I am going to continue to make things for my girls....

In a mood...

So I am sitting here at home(like always) making bows(again, like always) and I'm thinking about how frustrated I am getting at the girls. They are really getting on my nerves. Olivia keeps crying for no reason and Haley keeps singing the same song over and over again. So annoying... These girls, I swear IDK what I'm going to do with them. I honestly can't wait for the weekend so I get my time away from them.But I am breathing in and out very slowly to keep my temper in check.

On a different note, I haven't worked out today... I need keep up with this. I'm going to work out tonight like I like to do. IDK if it's better to do it in the morning or whatever but I am going to wait till the girls are in bed and asleep before I start. I also need to clean up the house. The kitchen is the main one for today. UGH I hate cleaning you have no idea. But I have to do it....

Staying Home and Losing Weight

I stay at home all the time. I'm used to being out all the time on the road or at the store. Now I stay home with my girls. I'm in the middle of trying to lose weight. I know that I have to. I mean seriously I am 23 years old and I weigh almost 300 pounds. I have got to lose at least 50 before I am happy about having to give up all my favorite foods and everything in between. I honestly need to feel better about myself at the end of all this. So all in all I stay at home and I'm trying to lose weight. So today is the first day that I am really going on a DIET. I know that I can't eat whatever and still lose the weight. So here we go. My starting weight is 297. By the end of March I want to be 277. That's 20 pound in a month. Lets see how I do. I know I need to do this. Sometimes I just  don't want to. I am so tired of being fat though. I hate trying on clothes. But after this, after I lose the weight, I am so going on a shopping spree. I hope that I can do this.

Getting Lost

I used to read a lot. I mean I could read 10 books in a week and still want to read more. I would get lost in them. I would leave my world and become the young heroine. It was me who was falling in love with the Duke. I was the one flying over buildings on a broomstick. When I turned 15, I entered what I call my 'Depressed Year'. I had been a very out going person up until then. I would sit in our backyard with a good romance and just read for hours, or until my mother called me inside. Every parent wants their children to read a lot. Every school encourages reading. Well, my mother was not happy at all about the amount of time I spent reading a book. I had hundreds of books, all of them my favorites and one day I get home from school and they are all gone. I cried for days. I have always been very different from my Mexican family. I am a first generation American. Unlike all my sisters and cousins, I have always been very proud to call myself an American. The Mexican part of me is, I'm sorry to say, but not very important. I can speak fluent Spanish but my children only speak English. Not that I'm ashamed or anything, but I have always considered myself an American. I have always read rather than go to a party or club or anything like that. I never learned to dance like my family, never really wanted to. I have always been the weird one in my family. When I was 16, we got the internet at my house. I started to talk to an older man in chat rooms. I felt like he understood me better than anyone else. We would talk on the phone for hours on end. Needless to say that our phone bills were outrageous. My mother sent me to live with my father. I met a boy in this tiny town. I don't know if I fell for him or I just needed to get away from the norm that was my life. One day we had sex and 2 weeks later I am late. At first all I could think about was having an abortion. I just wanted myy life to be normal again. But on January 3 2005 I welcomed my baby girl Haley. Her dad and I had split (DUH!) and it was just me and her. My mother supported me through this and we made it through. Zack and I eventually got back together and we raised our Haley together. Now we are married and have another little girl Olivia. As I sit here writing this I can't help but think about how I need to be a better mother to them. Sometimes I wish that I could still get lost in my books. Leave this world and enter one where I know for sure there is a happy ending. Life is so unpredictable. As much as we can plan for a better future, something will always get in the way....

Starting Out This Blog

This is the first time that I blog. I am hoping to release some of my inner monsters and maybe feel better about myself as a mother and a wife. 
I have days where I feel like I need to run from my life. Leave everything behind and just run. I want the life that I see others living and I don't know how to get over that. I read the saddest thing yesterday. A fellow blogger lost her little girl. I cried and continued to cry. I can't stop feeling so guilty that I want to run from my husband and my children, while this woman lost hers. 
I have been trying to get closer to god and when I feel like I am something happens that makes me question everything once again. I don't know where I am going. I feel lost and like I'm just floating along with whatever is happening. I can't talk to anyone because I fear that they will just look at me and think that I am crazy. I love my children and I love my husband. I want to be a better mother. I just don't think that I can. I don't know how...