Life Sucks And Then You Move On

I am a strong believer that Life is intended to kick your ass. Its how we learn to get up and dust ourselves off and move on. Its GOD'S way of making sure we turn to HIM in our hour of need. So that we know HE is there for us. I am very grateful for the blessings HE has bestowed upon me. I know that I matter to HIM. I am VERY BLESSED. I pray to HIM about the predicament I find myself in now. I pray that if this isn't the way its suppose to happen to please remove me from the situation. I know that no matter what HE will guide me through all this and I will come out the better for it in the end. This faith that I have in HIM is very new to me. But it gives me a peace that I had not known. 

I want to be able to move on from this situation in life. I want to be able to make a decision and stick to it because I know the HE is the one who is guiding me. I just making the right decision. I want to be able to act my age for once in my life. And I guess I want a taste of the life I didn't have. I am becoming more open and more outgoing and in my current living conditions it's not working. My life is NOT working. I am unhappy and I want something different. I need something to change.

 

Feelings

So, I had a talk with my husband about how I have been feeling, And of course it blew up in my face. According to him our relationship problems would fix themselves if I cleaned house more often.  I hate that he is so oblivious to my feelings and the cruel reality of our marriage. I can't handle this anymore. I want, no I NEED to change my life. Only I can do that. No one is responsible for my happiness other than myself. My sister has been trying to get my mom used to the idea of me heading toward divorce. My mother is devout Christian, who believes once you are married, that's it! You have to live with the choice you made no matter what. She told my sister that I shouldn't be thinking about getting out of my relationship and instead pray that I fall back in love with my husband. As if I haven't been trying to do that for years now. My feelings haven't come out the blue. They have been here manifesting themselves for years. I have worked HARD to fix my marriage. I have poured my soul into my marriage to the point that I no longer am myself. I don't believe that GOD wants me to be miserable. I'm almost positive that HE wants me to be happy, and live my life based on HIS word. I can't do that and stay in the same situation that I am in now. Its just not possible. I am done. I have reached my breaking point. I know that I am done, because I have started the moving on part of this before my marriage is even officially over. I have always been vehemently against cheating. ALWAYS! From the very beginning of our relationship, I told my husband, If one person feels the need to look for someone else, the relationship is obviously over. If we were happy with our lives then we wouldn't need to bring anyone else into the equation. Life is not supposed to be like this. I hate the idea of leaving my girls in the same situation I was in as a child. One thing I do promise myself and them is that I will not go from being married to immediately entering a different relationship. I will NOT bring different men around my daughters until I KNOW FOR SURE that he will not just be another person in their lives.I promise that they won't have a string of "uncles" walking in and out the door. I know that I can do this on my own. I know that I can. Am I being selfish in wanting to be happy away from my kids father? That's what kills me the most. My youngest LOVES her Daddy. He can't leave for work without first giving her a goodbye kiss and hug. How do I do what I am about to do to her? In the next week my husband is actually going to start a new job as a truck driver. He will be gone for about 2-3 weeks at a time. This will be my trial period on how I do without him in our lives and maybe adjust to be without him 24/7. All I know right now is that I am going to give myself the time to figure everything out and try very hard at being a better mother. I have to prove myself to my children and to my husbands family that I can do this on my own. I need to figure this all out on my own.

Today...

Today, I feel like crap... Today, I know that I definitely need a change in my life, and I am not sure how to accomplish that. I need a friend. I need someone that I can talk to about all the crap the I am feeling. Today, I know that something is wrong in my life. Something is going in the wrong direction and now I am lost. Lost to the world around me. Lost in myself. Lost in my personal demons with my life. I am not happy in the direction that I am moving. I am not happy period. I think I need professional help. I am lost in a pit of self loathing and self destruction. I don't know what to do about being happy where I am. I just don't know anymore. I DON'T KNOW! That is my problem with my life right now. I am lost in the direction that I am heading. I am just lost. 
I am miserable. I am unhappy. I need a change. Those are the 3 things that I KNOW. Put stars around I need a change. I just don't know how to go about changing anything. I don't know how to change my life. I should really talk to my sister about this, but my problems have never really mattered to anyone. They have always been treated like dramatic nothings in my family. All I know is that I hate feeling like this. I HATE it. How do I change it? Please if someone is out there who can help me with this, please contact me. I don't want to be unhappy. Gosh, I am such a positive person! I have always been a positive person. I don't know how to handle this person that I have become. I don't know how to be this new me,

LOL Life

**If there's anyone actually reading my sporadic post, please don't judge me too much after this one!**

So, the last time I wrote in here I was in the middle of trying to save my marriage. Well, My husband and I are still together. We never really resolved anything and in the end I just decided to move on with my life whether he's there or not. I really don't care anymore. Which I think is worse than anything. I recently, like in the last 7 days recent, met a man who is married and pretty much in the same situation as I am. Miserable with our spouses, but can't leave because of our kids. I met him for dinner and things kinda took off from there. I feel bad about the whole "cheating" thing, but I can't help but feel a little more alive since I did it. It just proves to me even more, that my marriage is over. That saddens me because its not as if things can change. I am pushing my husband away more and more every day and I'm not sure where to go from here. I don't know what to do! I never expected this to be my life. IF there's anything that I hate, its cheating. It doesn't make sense to me. Even though I was there, AM there at the moment. I don't know what I am doing anymore. 
This morning I am depressed more than usual. And ever the 'Google-ist' I Google: Signs a spouse is cheating. I found this: http://marriage.about.com/cs/infidelity/a/infidelsigns.htm
I looked through the signs and I literally laughed/cried! I am a little hysterical at the moment :) I am going to list them below:
 
Here are some warning signs that your spouse could be cheating on you.

• Your spouse seems bored. Bored with you, with job, with kids, with hobbies, with life in general. I have this going on at the moment
• Your spouse seems to want danger or thrills in his/her life. I have this going on at the moment
• There is considerably less intimacy in your relationship. Your sex life is practically non-existent.I have this going on at the moment
• Your spouse has a low self-esteem.I have this going on at the moment
• You notice your spouse has a sense of confusion about self.I have this going on at the moment
• Your spouse has become lazy, especially around the house.I especially laughed at this one :)
• Your spouse is more negative.
• You can't get your spouse to communicate with you.I have this going on at the moment
• Your spouse gets very defensive if you mention infidelity or affairs.
• Your spouse is suddenly more attentive than usual.I have this going on at the moment
• Your mate is working longer hours at work.
• Your spouse is dressing nicer, looking nicer.I have this going on at the moment
• You notice charges on credit card statement that don't make sense.
• Your spouse is indifferent to family events like birthdays and holidays.
• You find your partner has been lying to you about a variety of things.
• Money becomes more of an issue between the two of you.
• He/she doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything with you anymore.I have this going on at the moment
• You can't even get your mate to fight with you. This is another funny one
• You feel as if you are being avoided.
• Your partner abandons religious faith. Actually, I am turning more towards GOD on this issue.
• Your spouse seems more secretive.
• You discover lipstick smudge on shirt.
• You learn that you have an STD and you've not strayed.

So there you have it. Signs that your spouse is cheating. 
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This WAS NOT going to be my life! I am supposed to be blissfully happy to be with the father of my children. TO lead a relatively good, although VERY, boring life. This is NOT supposed to be happening to me! I am THE hopeless romantic, who always dreamed of being with the man of her dreams. Happy, BLISSFULLY happy. Why can't I just be happy with what I have. I want to be swept away. To be loved, and cherished, adored, and taken care of. I want to with someone who SHOWS me they love me. I don't want to be unhappy. I don't know what to do NOT to be. This isn't me. I am a glass half full always! How do you end a marriage? Especially when you have daughters who LOVE their father. I don't know how to do this. If there's someone out there in cyber world who just read this and is shaking their head and judging me, please don't. I am a good person. And if there's someone who can give me some advice on this, please do so. I welcome any insight on these crappy feelings.

:)

These next 3 post are originally from my Journal, but my hands have been hurting lately and I know I won't be able to write everything I want to write by hand, so I am transferring everything here :)

At the beginning of this, my husband and I were starting to read the Love Dare, and trying to save our marriage. He had moved out, still is, from our house and was staying with his parents. So here is goes.

Day One: Love is Patient- Friday April 13th 2012

Today Zack and I will begin The Love Dare. I am hopeful this works out and that Zack and I can actually work through this. I am not sire if I actually want this to work, but I owe it to my children to try. I owe it to them to try one last time. I don't think that Zack and I are meant to be together any longer. I want different things out of life and from my partner. But I can't give up and be selfish. If after this our lives don't change then I will know for sure its over and will start making plans for our future. Is it possible for 2 people to fall out of love? We were 16 when we got together, and 18 when we moved in together along with a 18 month old. I feel like we grew apart. I feel like we forcing our relationship, because we know nothing else. We have been together for 1/3rd of our lives. We are comfortable with each other and wouldn't know where to start again. I want the kind of love from my books. Someone who actually loves me. I want to be with a man like the ones I read about, Someone to whom I am it, THE ONE. I just want to matter to someone.

So today we start this journey. At the end of the 40 days we will know where we stand. I pray to God for understanding.

I FAILED

I MIGHT BE GETTING A DIVORCE.  
I am online searching the Do's and Don'ts of Divorce. 
This should NOT be happening right now. I am 24 years old and have to daughters. All I can think of, is the fact that I FAILED.
I FAILED at being a wife, I FAILED at marriage! 
I FAILED! 
That is all I can think about right now. I keep saying it in my head. It goes around and around. I feel like the biggest failure in the world right now.
I never wanted to be divorced! It's the reason why it took me 2 years to finally marry Zack. I hate this. The worst of it all is that, I have no one near me who is on my side. I feel so utterly alone. I live with Zack's family surrounding me from all sides. With my family hours away. I just feel alone. 
I have so much going on right now through my head and I can't seem to be able to release it all as I would like. I hate that even in that I am failing. 

Jesus Take The Wheel

In my entire life nothing 'horrible' has happened to me. The worst moment, so far has been the death of my grandfather when I was 7ish. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but once more wont hurt. I cried uncontrollably for a man that I had never really gotten to know. He was my grandfather, but only in the sense that he was my mothers father. He lived n Chicago and I think I only saw him once before he died. Really not someone that was a huge part of my life or anything. But anyway back to the original topic, nothing horrible has ever happened to me. When I got pregnant with my daughter Haley at 16,I was pretty devastated, but not because the of the pregnancy but of what my mother would say. That was the scary moment in my life. Nothing big really because I knew I would be OK. I knew that I would survive and that everything was going to be alright.I would LIVE. I am truly blessed in every way imaginable. I am married to my daughters father and though our relationship is rocky at best, we try for our daughters, we try. Maybe sometimes it isn't worth the heartache, but for them we try to make a life together. Though when I think of the future I really don't see him there, I know I'll be OK. My daughters and I can and will survive. For the past 3 years I have been trying to go back to school, but I just haven't stuck with it. Can't seem to be able to stick with anything really. I think its because if I do move on with my life, I am going to be leaving my husband behind. I know that while I move forward with my professional life, that I will not stick around much longer. And as much as I hate to admit it I am terrified of being by myself. I know that I'll be OK, but I am still terrified of what will happen to me and to my daughters. I had a terrible experience with my step father and I have never wanted that for my children, but i know that I can't stay here. I am terrified of change. Absolutely 100% terrified of the future, of the unknown. I have led a life of always knowing where I'll be... I am terrified. of failing something that I haven't even started because I feel like such failure as mother and a wife. I feel as if I have failed in my marriage. Failed my 7 and soon to be 4 year old daughters. I don't know what to do to stop and change. 1 minute I can be thinking of how much I want to be there for my kids and the next I am yelling at them to get away and go play somewhere. I don't know how to deal with everything going on in my head. I hate feeling like this, but I don't know how to start changing. I don't know how to go further in life without my marriage falling apart. or the seems that hold it together from ripping apart. I can't see the end of my marriage, but I can't see myself with the man I married for the rest of my life. I don't know what to do! Don't know how to change!
How does one go into the future knowing that it might not turn out the way we expected, or worse in my case, turn out just the way I expect it to go.
I need God in my life, and I don't know how to even do that. What should be one of the easiest things for me to do, I can't! My life is going no where! Absolutely NO WHERE!
Have you heard the song Jesus Take The Wheel by Carrie Underwood? Well I heard it on the radio the other day and it got me thinking... I need to let God take over my life and just guide me to where He wants me to go, but I don't know how to give up control. My first step will be to go to church on Sunday with my girls. Enough is enough! I am letting God take over. I am going to let Him guide me through this life. I am going to trust that He will guide me through the correct road He meant for my life to take. I am praying He paves the road in His grace and sends me to where he needs me to be for my family.
Nothing life ending has ever happened to me because my mother always taught me that with all the bad in the world, we could turn around and find the good. Everything will be OK because God NEVER sends you through something you can't handle! I thank Him every day for the blessings He has sent my way. Though I never feel worthy, I thank Him for everything in my life.