Life... :)

Life will go on without us...
I have tried this week to be a bit more understanding of where my life is and where it should be. I SHOULD be starting my career and enjoying my life as a wife and mother. Instead I am sinking into this depression... I am trying to be happy, trying to be a good other as well as a good wife, but sometimes I just feel like screaming! This WHOLE week my hubby has been whining about the fact that I don't have sex as often as I should. And literally he gets mad because I am not sleeping with him. Every time he says something I want to scream "Are you freaking kidding me!!! You aren't working or actively looking for a job, how am I supposed to RESPECT someone like you!!" Ugh! I am so tired!! I am always trying to figure out the bills. How to get away from it all without actually leaving. I am tired of feeling the occasional disgust towards my husband. I love him so much but at times I just want to get away!! In the last week I have been so aware of the fact that my life isn't what I wanted! I am almost 24 years old and I can't believe this is where I have landed. I had plans, dreams and a view of what my life would be even after I had my girls. My goal has always been to own my home by the time I am 25 and I know that it isn't going to happen :/ I am completely aware of the fact that I am so blessed with what I have. I thank God every day for what He has given me. I am blessed beyond belief with my girls and though I might struggle with my husband I still thank God for him. Yes I am depressed and hoping to deal with it myself. I know that I have to learn to accept this as my life and change the things that I can and learn to live with the things that I can not change. I just hope that my husband will be able to change along with me.....

LIfe As We Know It!

I feel that I might be growing :) I know that as I write this I am pretty much talking to myself and I really don't mind. Its good for me to let out what I am feeling in this blog, even if it is just to myself. I have grown to love my life... I still feel the need to get away from it all but I breath and count to 10. Every time one of my girls irritate me, I count to 10. Thanks to my hubby's cousin who told me to just count :) It ha actually helped a lot! I am currently trying to grow my Bow Business as well. I have had some reat compliments on my bows and feel the need to create more beautiful thing. I have to accept that I can't control what happens in this life, nor can I control where my life goes. All I can do is let it happen. My husband quit his job about 2 weeks ago and I have been so stressed out, that I blocked my self from making anything. I can't believe that he did what he did especially knowing that we live in a mall town where jobs are very hard to come by. I was angry at him for leading me down this path. I was not raised to sit back and watch as life passes you by, and can't understand how he can just let it go because he was stressed. Right now he is working through a temp agency for minimum wage! We were barely making it at 8.10 and hour plus overtime pay, can you imagine how tight we're going to be now? Ugh I get so frustrated! I have so many things that I want to do with my life and for him not to even try! Sorry this post was not supposed to be about me ranting but about me growing as a mother!
At the end of this school year(in 3 days) I will be the mother of a 1st grader and a preschooler. I honestly don't know where the time has gone! It is CRAZY!!! I am expanding my business to invitations, diaper cakes and more! I am super excited about this step in my life! I love it!!

The past week has been one hell of a week. It has been a long time since I felt the need to write but I felt it today. I have been making bows pretty much non-stop since February and I am loving the freedom that it gave me. I could make my own money and not have to ask my hubby for anything :) Well this week my hubby quit his job! Don't get me wrong I understand what this does to us financially but I also understand that he had to get out of the poisonous stressful environment he was in. On the other hand I can not believe he did this. Doesn't he realize that he is the SOLE provider for our family. I don't make enough in BOW sales to cover car payment, light, water and our cell phone bill. What the HELL was he thinking! I am trying to be the supportive wife and be understanding, but inside I am reeling. I pray to God that he finds a job soon! He has 2 weeks to find one so our bill can be paid before they shut off everything! Thankfully our car payment was paid for this month and we are not behind at ALL. Now I just don't know what to do for the rest of it.
I am so tired of having to stress over everything with my husband. I always feel like the other shoe is going to drop in the future. I can not depend on him for anything! Well I can depend on him to take over cleaning at the house when he is out of work. I kinda love having him home with me (LOL) We are going to fix up the girls room tomorrow and clean the yard next week. Hopefully the time that he is here, we will get a lot done.

I pray to our Heavenly Father that He finds my hubby a job soon. Something that He wants for my hubby and to send him in the right direction :)

And Then Everything Goes Downhill

Today started of great. My husband and I rested (he has Fridays and Saturdays off), I made bows and he learned how to make ribbon roses. [I know, you don't have to say anything] All day we had a good time with our girls. Went into town ran some errands and came home and relaxed again. I sold bows, made some custom bows and finally bejeweled the black ribbon rose he made for my daughter Haley. We are going to a quince tomorrow and she needed a bow. At about midnight I start shutting everything down and get ready for bed. He wants some and honestly I am exhausted from a very long day. So I say no. He goes to take a shower and comes out all pissed and stomping. Ugh, I know what the signs mean. This night is about to get longer. I call it my husbands 'time of the month' He goes off on his rampages and be careful if you are in his path as I always happen to be. I can never seem to let anything go. Instead of going to bed and letting him cool off by shooting some guys on MOH I goad him. A mistake that I have made before. I have this thing about going to sleep mad. I never want to. And I can't sleep until we're both in bed.I mean we have this party to go to tomorrow. If he doesn't get his sleep time, he's like a baby who didn't take a nap. Very annoying. Tonight was no different than any other night in the past, except that I am tired of being the battered woman who has a bit of a bruised cheek or a swollen lip. I hate the lies that come with being an abused woman. I especially hate the curious looks. We live in a very small town, so anyone hearing our little outburst are known to let the whole town in our little[big] fight. You know there are other men out there that I think are worse than my wife-beating husband. The men that apologize after hitting you and saying that they'll never do it again are the bad ones. Anyway, I am getting side-tracked. Other times I have taken the slaps once ina while the punches or the head bashing onto things, this time I fought back. He railroaded me onto my bed and I just started kicking. I think it surprised him because I saw a quick look. Then we he backed off I taunted him, I said "come on isnt this what you want, come on hit me, but know I am going to hit oyu back. He says I dont want to hit you I just want this done. This refers to the house cleaning. And then I can't help but feel responsible for the whole thing. I am not the perfect house wife. I have been improving I swear but apparently not quickly enough. I have kept the house clean, there's no trash on the floor or clothes. I have done the dishes, and there isn't much more that needs to get done. I have tried to keep the house cleaner now that I have people coming over to see my bows, and he complains that because there's people coming over that that is the reason I am cleaning. I don't know about this anymore. I don't clean he gets mad then I clean and he still gets mad. As I am writing this I am realizing that the hits are not my fault. I love my husband very much{battered woman's syndrome anyone??). On our good days we are perfect for each other but on our bad days, well get out of the way. This blog thing is helping me understand a bit more about myself. I am very happy I started one.

Missing Pieces

I keep thinking about the Staats family and how the lost their little girl. I keep seeing this gorgeous baby's picture on Facebook and can't help but think of the beautiful life she and her family could have had. This baby hadn't even started life yet, but in the short 4 months she was here, she touched so many peoples lives. As I sit here and write this, I am getting so choked up. Tears are threatening my eyes. I feel so bad for them. I read Kellie's blog everyday and continue to check back throughout to see if there are any new posts. I feel like I know her, like this is happening to a close friend of mine. I don't know her pain but I feel pain for her loss. I can't imagine what she's going through, but I am crying nonetheless. I feel the need to hug her and tell her everything will be alright, but nothing ever will be for her or her family. How do you go on after a loss like that? How does life get back to normal if there's someone missing. My heart has broken for her pain. I literally think of her everyday. I see her daughters picture smiling so full of life and hope for the future and now she's just gone. How does a mother go on?

This only makes me feel worse at the type of mother that I am. I have 2 very beautiful children and sometimes I can't stand to me around them. I know that if I work hard that someday very soon I will be a great mother to my girls. Till then I am going to mourn the loss of precious Maddie along with her family as her death hit me pretty hard.

I Make Things For My Girls..

So I make bows. I also make different things for my daughters. I like to but them pretty clothes, even though they hardly ever go anywhere looking nice. I wish that I could dress them like the little girls they are but they are both a bit tomboyish. Even if they weren't I wouldn't know what to do. I mean I know how to dress them, I know what clothes look good on them, but I am lazy parent. But I am getting sidetracked. I make my girls things. I have been turning myself into this 1950's housewife who is crafty and plans out everything to the last minute. I make my girls things. Yes, I am aware that I have written that same sentence a number of times. I just have to keep writing it until you get what I am saying. I make my girls things. Right now I am planning my youngest daughters 3rd birthday. I am going to make the centerpieces and her invitations and her out fit and I am going to attempt to make her a birthday cake from scratch. I am not the best cook in the world. I have 3 meals that I can cook to perfection but I make things for my girls. I am trying to learn how to sew so I can make them clothes. I have learned to make bows, tutu's, appliqued shirts and approximately 3 years ago I made my first batch of invitations to my baby shower. I have made my kids invitations ever since. I recently started selling my bows. Like I said my girls are tomboys. I feel like if I make them their things that I am automatically a better mother. I am a sucky mother. I know it. I don't beat my kids or abuse them in any way, but I am a bit neglectful. I let them do their own thing, get their own cereal and juice. I am not a horrible parent, but I feel that the more I make for them the more points I get as a mother. The better everyone thinks of me as a mother. So I make things for my girls. Writing this blog out has really given me an outlet and makes me think about the things I can do to become a better mother. Not just the clothes and all that but actually become a better mother. Until then I am going to continue to make things for my girls....

In a mood...

So I am sitting here at home(like always) making bows(again, like always) and I'm thinking about how frustrated I am getting at the girls. They are really getting on my nerves. Olivia keeps crying for no reason and Haley keeps singing the same song over and over again. So annoying... These girls, I swear IDK what I'm going to do with them. I honestly can't wait for the weekend so I get my time away from them.But I am breathing in and out very slowly to keep my temper in check.

On a different note, I haven't worked out today... I need keep up with this. I'm going to work out tonight like I like to do. IDK if it's better to do it in the morning or whatever but I am going to wait till the girls are in bed and asleep before I start. I also need to clean up the house. The kitchen is the main one for today. UGH I hate cleaning you have no idea. But I have to do it....