Day 4 of November. I can't believe that this year is about to end. By the first Monday of the new year I will be the 24 year old mother of a 7 year old daughter. I can't believe that! It seems like just yesterday I was holding her at the hospital, and now she's turning 7! Crazy!!
For my Thankful of the Day :)
I am seriously thankful for warm blankets. It the first day of 30 degree weather here in South Texas and honestly to me its freezing :) Its going up to near 70 this afternoon, but this cold morning reminds me how much I love my blankets. And for those of you that your high of the day is 30 degrees, you have to understand this is SOUTH Texas we're talking about. Cool weather to us is mid 60's :) So yes I am thankful for blankets :)
Friday, November 4, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Thankful Day 3
I woke up this morning LATE! I quickly dressed my girls and sent them with dad to drop them off while on his way to work. (we live in a TINY town so its not a big deal. the elementary school is 3 blocks from my house :)) After waking up and trying super hard to get out of bed I realized that I had a tornado dream... These are SO not my favorite type of dream. Ever since I was a teenager I remember that after a tornado dream something bad happened. The one that stands out the most is the one I got a week or two before my uncle passed away. As soon as I made that realization, I started praying. I called my mom after sending my girls to school and she prayed with me some more. So I decided that I can't keep believing in this. SO I prayed some more and continued on with my day trying not be in a mood. So far its been a great day :)
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Thankful Day 1 and 2
I saw this on a few blogs and facebook, so I decided to start my own.
My Thankful List:
Since I am starting a day late I will post for today (the 2nd on Nov.) and yesterday (the 1st of Nov)
1.First and foremost I am thankful that I am loved by GOD. HE has blessed me in ways that I forget about but always remember when times are tough. I am never alone with HIM on my side. No matter how much life throws at me I know that with GOD I can get through anything.
2. I am thankful for my family. With out them I don't know who I'd be or where in this world I would be going. My daughters and my husband are my life and they are the reason I am who I am. I want to be better because of them. My mother and my sisters are a big influence and can't imagine life without them.
:)
My Thankful List:
Since I am starting a day late I will post for today (the 2nd on Nov.) and yesterday (the 1st of Nov)
1.First and foremost I am thankful that I am loved by GOD. HE has blessed me in ways that I forget about but always remember when times are tough. I am never alone with HIM on my side. No matter how much life throws at me I know that with GOD I can get through anything.
2. I am thankful for my family. With out them I don't know who I'd be or where in this world I would be going. My daughters and my husband are my life and they are the reason I am who I am. I want to be better because of them. My mother and my sisters are a big influence and can't imagine life without them.
:)
Monday, October 24, 2011
Bad things happen....
Bad things happen.
That's it.
Bad things happen to good people, for reason I will never understand. The first blog I came to was about a young mother who had just lot her daughter to SIDS. It broke my heart reading about this perfect little family full of love for this little person that just passed away one day in her sleep. It spiraled from there and I started reading other BLM's blogs. I can't understand why some babies are born perfect and others and not. They all teach us something whether they are here for a lifetime or unfortunately for these parents a few short moments. All the women in these blogs are good people. They are all READY to have children only to have them snatched from them after too short a time. I became pregnant with my first daughter at 16 and didn't see a doctor until I was about 24 weeks pregnant and thank GOD my daughter was perfect. these women PLAN their children, plan their lives around these babies that they are ready for and some don't get the chance to even hold a living child. Why? Why does this happen. Why can an unprepared 16 year old have a perfect daughter and a woman who is ready cannot? I am thankful for the blessings GOD has granted in my life and I know that I am blessed but sometimes I don't feel deserving. When days are bad, I feel that the crap I've done is the reason for those bad times. I feel that I am being punished in the middle of being blessed. (if that makes any sense) But then I see what these women are dealing with and I ask God "Why them and not me?" I have done horrible things and still have my beautiful girls in my life. I live in a world of regret and sometimes I don't know how much longer I can do this.
That's it.
Bad things happen to good people, for reason I will never understand. The first blog I came to was about a young mother who had just lot her daughter to SIDS. It broke my heart reading about this perfect little family full of love for this little person that just passed away one day in her sleep. It spiraled from there and I started reading other BLM's blogs. I can't understand why some babies are born perfect and others and not. They all teach us something whether they are here for a lifetime or unfortunately for these parents a few short moments. All the women in these blogs are good people. They are all READY to have children only to have them snatched from them after too short a time. I became pregnant with my first daughter at 16 and didn't see a doctor until I was about 24 weeks pregnant and thank GOD my daughter was perfect. these women PLAN their children, plan their lives around these babies that they are ready for and some don't get the chance to even hold a living child. Why? Why does this happen. Why can an unprepared 16 year old have a perfect daughter and a woman who is ready cannot? I am thankful for the blessings GOD has granted in my life and I know that I am blessed but sometimes I don't feel deserving. When days are bad, I feel that the crap I've done is the reason for those bad times. I feel that I am being punished in the middle of being blessed. (if that makes any sense) But then I see what these women are dealing with and I ask God "Why them and not me?" I have done horrible things and still have my beautiful girls in my life. I live in a world of regret and sometimes I don't know how much longer I can do this.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Selfish thoughts :/
Lately life has become very predictable. I wake up get my girls dressed for school, drop them off check the mail and come home. My hubby takes off to work at 8:30AM. At about 8-9 AM I get a call from my sister and we speak till 10-11. EVERYDAY! I am so bored I haven't had the energy to do anything. My love of crafts has dwindled as it too has become routine. I crave excitement, I crave LIFE! I want to feel a bit more my age (24) than this person who has been a mother for almost 7 years. I want to feel young. I hate that my life is passing by and I haven't done anything. I want to feel like I have something to look forward to every day and not this life that has become predictable to say the least.
Before getting pregnant with Haley at 16, I wasn't the party girl type or anything remotely close. I have always loved reading romance novels, and I always hoped love would find me in the same way it found the heroines of my books. I wanted that same passion that they discovered when they opened themselves up to it. Is it so bad that I feel as if that passion NEVER found me? I want to be whisked away and just loved. I want to be able to look at my husband and feel that... I can't even explain the feeling. I just hate that I FEEL AS IF SOMETHING IS MISSING IN MY LIFE. I love my daughters and can't imagine life without them, but I just want to feel different about the life that I lead. I am looking over my post and see exactly how many sentences start with the letter "I". Trust me I know how selfish I am being at the moment, but I have NEVER put myself first since I found out I was pregnant.
Its always been about someone else. About how they are doing, feeling and what they need or want. It has never been about what I need or what I want. I have always made concessions if Zack needs something, or have gone without if my girls want anything. I try to be a good mother to them and raise them differently from how I was raised. I just want life to be about ME for a change. I know SELFISH!!! One thing I know I NEED to do is get my education going so that I can move on from this point in my life. I need to make the changes in my life that need to be made so I can leave this town and every reminder of it behind. I HATE IT HERE!!! I love my husband, but honestly I'm not sure how much longer I can take his attitude, or his lack of ambition. I don't know if, after I finish taking the steps needed to get a career started, our relationship can work. I hate these thoughts more than you know but I can't help but think that if I had started my career would I deal with the crap that I deal with on a daily basis. I don't know how much longer I can do this for.
I want to be selfish. I want to think of only myself and my wants and needs. Fortunately, (THANK THE LORD) I love my children so much that I swallow the thoughts of my self-(UN)worth and try to make life happy for them. I put a smile on my face and act as if all is right with the world and look forward to the day that I can be just a little selfish and maybe think of myself and my daughter's happiness before anything else. Life never goes as planned, but I thank GOD that HE has blessed me with 2beautiful little girls and with the life that I do have after all the selfish thoughts I have.
If anyone ever reads this: please don't think too badly of me, I am just trying to figure out the best way to grow up...
Before getting pregnant with Haley at 16, I wasn't the party girl type or anything remotely close. I have always loved reading romance novels, and I always hoped love would find me in the same way it found the heroines of my books. I wanted that same passion that they discovered when they opened themselves up to it. Is it so bad that I feel as if that passion NEVER found me? I want to be whisked away and just loved. I want to be able to look at my husband and feel that... I can't even explain the feeling. I just hate that I FEEL AS IF SOMETHING IS MISSING IN MY LIFE. I love my daughters and can't imagine life without them, but I just want to feel different about the life that I lead. I am looking over my post and see exactly how many sentences start with the letter "I". Trust me I know how selfish I am being at the moment, but I have NEVER put myself first since I found out I was pregnant.
Its always been about someone else. About how they are doing, feeling and what they need or want. It has never been about what I need or what I want. I have always made concessions if Zack needs something, or have gone without if my girls want anything. I try to be a good mother to them and raise them differently from how I was raised. I just want life to be about ME for a change. I know SELFISH!!! One thing I know I NEED to do is get my education going so that I can move on from this point in my life. I need to make the changes in my life that need to be made so I can leave this town and every reminder of it behind. I HATE IT HERE!!! I love my husband, but honestly I'm not sure how much longer I can take his attitude, or his lack of ambition. I don't know if, after I finish taking the steps needed to get a career started, our relationship can work. I hate these thoughts more than you know but I can't help but think that if I had started my career would I deal with the crap that I deal with on a daily basis. I don't know how much longer I can do this for.
I want to be selfish. I want to think of only myself and my wants and needs. Fortunately, (THANK THE LORD) I love my children so much that I swallow the thoughts of my self-(UN)worth and try to make life happy for them. I put a smile on my face and act as if all is right with the world and look forward to the day that I can be just a little selfish and maybe think of myself and my daughter's happiness before anything else. Life never goes as planned, but I thank GOD that HE has blessed me with 2beautiful little girls and with the life that I do have after all the selfish thoughts I have.
If anyone ever reads this: please don't think too badly of me, I am just trying to figure out the best way to grow up...
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Its one of those days...
I'm having one of those days where I wish I had someone to talk to about how I am feeling. I am so overwhelmed with the amount of work I have and can't get the energy to do it. I have about 5 orders to send out before these people start screaming bloody murder :/ I need to make them but I feel like laying in bed all day long! I think I am depressed. Maybe. I like the fact that I have thisblog to release some of the tension and be able to say what I want and not worry. I have to pay the water bill this week and the light bill needs to get paid as well. I need to stop stressing and get a hand on how things are running, I need to just stop and work!! I can do it I know I just need to quit with the self pitying crap! I am setting a goal as of now. I will finish all the auction bows by the time I have to get Zack from work :) I will be back later with the update :)
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Life... :)
Life will go on without us...
I have tried this week to be a bit more understanding of where my life is and where it should be. I SHOULD be starting my career and enjoying my life as a wife and mother. Instead I am sinking into this depression... I am trying to be happy, trying to be a good other as well as a good wife, but sometimes I just feel like screaming! This WHOLE week my hubby has been whining about the fact that I don't have sex as often as I should. And literally he gets mad because I am not sleeping with him. Every time he says something I want to scream "Are you freaking kidding me!!! You aren't working or actively looking for a job, how am I supposed to RESPECT someone like you!!" Ugh! I am so tired!! I am always trying to figure out the bills. How to get away from it all without actually leaving. I am tired of feeling the occasional disgust towards my husband. I love him so much but at times I just want to get away!! In the last week I have been so aware of the fact that my life isn't what I wanted! I am almost 24 years old and I can't believe this is where I have landed. I had plans, dreams and a view of what my life would be even after I had my girls. My goal has always been to own my home by the time I am 25 and I know that it isn't going to happen :/ I am completely aware of the fact that I am so blessed with what I have. I thank God every day for what He has given me. I am blessed beyond belief with my girls and though I might struggle with my husband I still thank God for him. Yes I am depressed and hoping to deal with it myself. I know that I have to learn to accept this as my life and change the things that I can and learn to live with the things that I can not change. I just hope that my husband will be able to change along with me.....
I have tried this week to be a bit more understanding of where my life is and where it should be. I SHOULD be starting my career and enjoying my life as a wife and mother. Instead I am sinking into this depression... I am trying to be happy, trying to be a good other as well as a good wife, but sometimes I just feel like screaming! This WHOLE week my hubby has been whining about the fact that I don't have sex as often as I should. And literally he gets mad because I am not sleeping with him. Every time he says something I want to scream "Are you freaking kidding me!!! You aren't working or actively looking for a job, how am I supposed to RESPECT someone like you!!" Ugh! I am so tired!! I am always trying to figure out the bills. How to get away from it all without actually leaving. I am tired of feeling the occasional disgust towards my husband. I love him so much but at times I just want to get away!! In the last week I have been so aware of the fact that my life isn't what I wanted! I am almost 24 years old and I can't believe this is where I have landed. I had plans, dreams and a view of what my life would be even after I had my girls. My goal has always been to own my home by the time I am 25 and I know that it isn't going to happen :/ I am completely aware of the fact that I am so blessed with what I have. I thank God every day for what He has given me. I am blessed beyond belief with my girls and though I might struggle with my husband I still thank God for him. Yes I am depressed and hoping to deal with it myself. I know that I have to learn to accept this as my life and change the things that I can and learn to live with the things that I can not change. I just hope that my husband will be able to change along with me.....
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