Bad things happen....

Bad things happen.
That's it.
Bad things happen to good people, for reason I will never understand. The first blog I came to was about a young mother who had just lot her daughter to SIDS. It broke my heart reading about this perfect little family full of love for this little person that just passed away one day in her sleep. It spiraled from there and I started reading other BLM's blogs. I can't understand why some babies are born perfect and others and not. They all teach us something whether they are here for a lifetime or unfortunately for these parents a few short moments. All the women in these blogs are good people. They are all READY to have children only to have them snatched from them after too short a time. I became pregnant with my first daughter at 16 and didn't see a doctor until I was about 24 weeks pregnant and thank GOD my daughter was perfect. these women PLAN their children, plan their lives around these babies that they are ready for and some don't get the chance to even hold a living child. Why? Why does this happen. Why can an unprepared 16 year old have a perfect daughter and a woman who is ready cannot? I am thankful for the blessings GOD has granted in my life and I know that I am blessed but sometimes I don't feel deserving. When days are bad, I feel that the crap I've done is the reason for those bad times. I feel that I am being punished in the middle of being blessed. (if that makes any sense) But then I see what these women are dealing with and I ask God "Why them and not me?" I have done horrible things and still have my beautiful girls in my life. I live in a world of regret and sometimes I don't know how much longer I can do this.

Selfish thoughts :/

Lately life has become very predictable. I wake up get my girls dressed for school, drop them off check the mail and come home. My hubby takes off to work at 8:30AM. At about 8-9 AM I get a call from my sister and we speak till 10-11. EVERYDAY! I am so bored I haven't had the energy to do anything. My love of crafts has dwindled as it too has become routine. I crave excitement, I crave LIFE! I want to feel a bit more my age (24) than this person who has been a mother for almost 7 years. I want to feel young. I hate that my life is passing by and I haven't done anything. I want to feel like I have something to look forward to every day and not this life that has become predictable to say the least.
Before getting pregnant with Haley at 16, I wasn't the party girl type or anything remotely close. I have always loved reading romance novels, and I always hoped love would find me in the same way it found the heroines of my books. I wanted that same passion that they discovered when they opened themselves up to it. Is it so bad that I feel as if that passion NEVER found me? I want to be whisked away and just loved. I want to be able to look at my husband and feel that... I can't even explain the feeling. I just hate that I FEEL AS IF SOMETHING IS MISSING IN MY LIFE. I love my daughters and can't imagine life without them, but I just want to feel different about the life that I lead. I am looking over my post and see exactly how many sentences start with the letter "I". Trust me I know how selfish I am being at the moment, but I have NEVER put myself first since I found out I was pregnant.
Its always been about someone else. About how they are doing, feeling and what they need or want. It has never been about what I need or what I want. I have always made concessions if Zack needs something, or have gone without if my girls want anything. I try to be a good mother to them and raise them differently from how I was raised. I just want life to be about ME for a change. I know SELFISH!!! One thing I know I NEED to do is get my education going so that I can move on from this point in my life. I need to make the changes in my life that need to be made so I can leave this town and every reminder of it behind. I HATE IT HERE!!! I love my husband, but honestly I'm not sure how much longer I can take his attitude, or his lack of ambition. I don't know if, after I finish taking the steps needed to get a career started, our relationship can work. I hate these thoughts more than you know but I can't help but think that if I had started my career would I deal with the crap that I deal with on a daily basis. I don't know how much longer I can do this for.
I want to be selfish. I want to think of only myself and my wants and needs. Fortunately, (THANK THE LORD) I love my children so much that I swallow the thoughts of my self-(UN)worth and try to make life happy for them. I put a smile on my face and act as if all is right with the world and look forward to the day that I can be just a little selfish and maybe think of myself and my daughter's happiness before anything else. Life never goes as planned, but I thank GOD that HE has blessed me with 2beautiful little girls and with the life that I do have after all the selfish thoughts I have.
If anyone ever reads this: please don't think too badly of me, I am just trying to figure out the best way to grow up...

Its one of those days...

I'm having one of those days where I wish I had someone to talk to about how I am feeling. I am so overwhelmed with the amount of work I have and can't get the energy to do it. I have about 5 orders to send out before these people start screaming bloody murder :/ I need to make them but I feel like laying in bed all day long! I think I am depressed. Maybe. I like the fact that I have thisblog to release some of the tension and be able to say what I want and not worry. I have to pay the water bill this week and the light bill needs to get paid as well. I need to stop stressing and get a hand on how things are running, I need to just stop and work!! I can do it I know I just need to quit with the self pitying crap! I am setting a goal as of now. I will finish all the auction bows by the time I have to get Zack from work :) I will be back later with the update :)

Life... :)

Life will go on without us...
I have tried this week to be a bit more understanding of where my life is and where it should be. I SHOULD be starting my career and enjoying my life as a wife and mother. Instead I am sinking into this depression... I am trying to be happy, trying to be a good other as well as a good wife, but sometimes I just feel like screaming! This WHOLE week my hubby has been whining about the fact that I don't have sex as often as I should. And literally he gets mad because I am not sleeping with him. Every time he says something I want to scream "Are you freaking kidding me!!! You aren't working or actively looking for a job, how am I supposed to RESPECT someone like you!!" Ugh! I am so tired!! I am always trying to figure out the bills. How to get away from it all without actually leaving. I am tired of feeling the occasional disgust towards my husband. I love him so much but at times I just want to get away!! In the last week I have been so aware of the fact that my life isn't what I wanted! I am almost 24 years old and I can't believe this is where I have landed. I had plans, dreams and a view of what my life would be even after I had my girls. My goal has always been to own my home by the time I am 25 and I know that it isn't going to happen :/ I am completely aware of the fact that I am so blessed with what I have. I thank God every day for what He has given me. I am blessed beyond belief with my girls and though I might struggle with my husband I still thank God for him. Yes I am depressed and hoping to deal with it myself. I know that I have to learn to accept this as my life and change the things that I can and learn to live with the things that I can not change. I just hope that my husband will be able to change along with me.....

LIfe As We Know It!

I feel that I might be growing :) I know that as I write this I am pretty much talking to myself and I really don't mind. Its good for me to let out what I am feeling in this blog, even if it is just to myself. I have grown to love my life... I still feel the need to get away from it all but I breath and count to 10. Every time one of my girls irritate me, I count to 10. Thanks to my hubby's cousin who told me to just count :) It ha actually helped a lot! I am currently trying to grow my Bow Business as well. I have had some reat compliments on my bows and feel the need to create more beautiful thing. I have to accept that I can't control what happens in this life, nor can I control where my life goes. All I can do is let it happen. My husband quit his job about 2 weeks ago and I have been so stressed out, that I blocked my self from making anything. I can't believe that he did what he did especially knowing that we live in a mall town where jobs are very hard to come by. I was angry at him for leading me down this path. I was not raised to sit back and watch as life passes you by, and can't understand how he can just let it go because he was stressed. Right now he is working through a temp agency for minimum wage! We were barely making it at 8.10 and hour plus overtime pay, can you imagine how tight we're going to be now? Ugh I get so frustrated! I have so many things that I want to do with my life and for him not to even try! Sorry this post was not supposed to be about me ranting but about me growing as a mother!
At the end of this school year(in 3 days) I will be the mother of a 1st grader and a preschooler. I honestly don't know where the time has gone! It is CRAZY!!! I am expanding my business to invitations, diaper cakes and more! I am super excited about this step in my life! I love it!!

The past week has been one hell of a week. It has been a long time since I felt the need to write but I felt it today. I have been making bows pretty much non-stop since February and I am loving the freedom that it gave me. I could make my own money and not have to ask my hubby for anything :) Well this week my hubby quit his job! Don't get me wrong I understand what this does to us financially but I also understand that he had to get out of the poisonous stressful environment he was in. On the other hand I can not believe he did this. Doesn't he realize that he is the SOLE provider for our family. I don't make enough in BOW sales to cover car payment, light, water and our cell phone bill. What the HELL was he thinking! I am trying to be the supportive wife and be understanding, but inside I am reeling. I pray to God that he finds a job soon! He has 2 weeks to find one so our bill can be paid before they shut off everything! Thankfully our car payment was paid for this month and we are not behind at ALL. Now I just don't know what to do for the rest of it.
I am so tired of having to stress over everything with my husband. I always feel like the other shoe is going to drop in the future. I can not depend on him for anything! Well I can depend on him to take over cleaning at the house when he is out of work. I kinda love having him home with me (LOL) We are going to fix up the girls room tomorrow and clean the yard next week. Hopefully the time that he is here, we will get a lot done.

I pray to our Heavenly Father that He finds my hubby a job soon. Something that He wants for my hubby and to send him in the right direction :)

And Then Everything Goes Downhill

Today started of great. My husband and I rested (he has Fridays and Saturdays off), I made bows and he learned how to make ribbon roses. [I know, you don't have to say anything] All day we had a good time with our girls. Went into town ran some errands and came home and relaxed again. I sold bows, made some custom bows and finally bejeweled the black ribbon rose he made for my daughter Haley. We are going to a quince tomorrow and she needed a bow. At about midnight I start shutting everything down and get ready for bed. He wants some and honestly I am exhausted from a very long day. So I say no. He goes to take a shower and comes out all pissed and stomping. Ugh, I know what the signs mean. This night is about to get longer. I call it my husbands 'time of the month' He goes off on his rampages and be careful if you are in his path as I always happen to be. I can never seem to let anything go. Instead of going to bed and letting him cool off by shooting some guys on MOH I goad him. A mistake that I have made before. I have this thing about going to sleep mad. I never want to. And I can't sleep until we're both in bed.I mean we have this party to go to tomorrow. If he doesn't get his sleep time, he's like a baby who didn't take a nap. Very annoying. Tonight was no different than any other night in the past, except that I am tired of being the battered woman who has a bit of a bruised cheek or a swollen lip. I hate the lies that come with being an abused woman. I especially hate the curious looks. We live in a very small town, so anyone hearing our little outburst are known to let the whole town in our little[big] fight. You know there are other men out there that I think are worse than my wife-beating husband. The men that apologize after hitting you and saying that they'll never do it again are the bad ones. Anyway, I am getting side-tracked. Other times I have taken the slaps once ina while the punches or the head bashing onto things, this time I fought back. He railroaded me onto my bed and I just started kicking. I think it surprised him because I saw a quick look. Then we he backed off I taunted him, I said "come on isnt this what you want, come on hit me, but know I am going to hit oyu back. He says I dont want to hit you I just want this done. This refers to the house cleaning. And then I can't help but feel responsible for the whole thing. I am not the perfect house wife. I have been improving I swear but apparently not quickly enough. I have kept the house clean, there's no trash on the floor or clothes. I have done the dishes, and there isn't much more that needs to get done. I have tried to keep the house cleaner now that I have people coming over to see my bows, and he complains that because there's people coming over that that is the reason I am cleaning. I don't know about this anymore. I don't clean he gets mad then I clean and he still gets mad. As I am writing this I am realizing that the hits are not my fault. I love my husband very much{battered woman's syndrome anyone??). On our good days we are perfect for each other but on our bad days, well get out of the way. This blog thing is helping me understand a bit more about myself. I am very happy I started one.