:)

These next 3 post are originally from my Journal, but my hands have been hurting lately and I know I won't be able to write everything I want to write by hand, so I am transferring everything here :)

At the beginning of this, my husband and I were starting to read the Love Dare, and trying to save our marriage. He had moved out, still is, from our house and was staying with his parents. So here is goes.

Day One: Love is Patient- Friday April 13th 2012

Today Zack and I will begin The Love Dare. I am hopeful this works out and that Zack and I can actually work through this. I am not sire if I actually want this to work, but I owe it to my children to try. I owe it to them to try one last time. I don't think that Zack and I are meant to be together any longer. I want different things out of life and from my partner. But I can't give up and be selfish. If after this our lives don't change then I will know for sure its over and will start making plans for our future. Is it possible for 2 people to fall out of love? We were 16 when we got together, and 18 when we moved in together along with a 18 month old. I feel like we grew apart. I feel like we forcing our relationship, because we know nothing else. We have been together for 1/3rd of our lives. We are comfortable with each other and wouldn't know where to start again. I want the kind of love from my books. Someone who actually loves me. I want to be with a man like the ones I read about, Someone to whom I am it, THE ONE. I just want to matter to someone.

So today we start this journey. At the end of the 40 days we will know where we stand. I pray to God for understanding.

I FAILED

I MIGHT BE GETTING A DIVORCE.  
I am online searching the Do's and Don'ts of Divorce. 
This should NOT be happening right now. I am 24 years old and have to daughters. All I can think of, is the fact that I FAILED.
I FAILED at being a wife, I FAILED at marriage! 
I FAILED! 
That is all I can think about right now. I keep saying it in my head. It goes around and around. I feel like the biggest failure in the world right now.
I never wanted to be divorced! It's the reason why it took me 2 years to finally marry Zack. I hate this. The worst of it all is that, I have no one near me who is on my side. I feel so utterly alone. I live with Zack's family surrounding me from all sides. With my family hours away. I just feel alone. 
I have so much going on right now through my head and I can't seem to be able to release it all as I would like. I hate that even in that I am failing. 

Jesus Take The Wheel

In my entire life nothing 'horrible' has happened to me. The worst moment, so far has been the death of my grandfather when I was 7ish. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but once more wont hurt. I cried uncontrollably for a man that I had never really gotten to know. He was my grandfather, but only in the sense that he was my mothers father. He lived n Chicago and I think I only saw him once before he died. Really not someone that was a huge part of my life or anything. But anyway back to the original topic, nothing horrible has ever happened to me. When I got pregnant with my daughter Haley at 16,I was pretty devastated, but not because the of the pregnancy but of what my mother would say. That was the scary moment in my life. Nothing big really because I knew I would be OK. I knew that I would survive and that everything was going to be alright.I would LIVE. I am truly blessed in every way imaginable. I am married to my daughters father and though our relationship is rocky at best, we try for our daughters, we try. Maybe sometimes it isn't worth the heartache, but for them we try to make a life together. Though when I think of the future I really don't see him there, I know I'll be OK. My daughters and I can and will survive. For the past 3 years I have been trying to go back to school, but I just haven't stuck with it. Can't seem to be able to stick with anything really. I think its because if I do move on with my life, I am going to be leaving my husband behind. I know that while I move forward with my professional life, that I will not stick around much longer. And as much as I hate to admit it I am terrified of being by myself. I know that I'll be OK, but I am still terrified of what will happen to me and to my daughters. I had a terrible experience with my step father and I have never wanted that for my children, but i know that I can't stay here. I am terrified of change. Absolutely 100% terrified of the future, of the unknown. I have led a life of always knowing where I'll be... I am terrified. of failing something that I haven't even started because I feel like such failure as mother and a wife. I feel as if I have failed in my marriage. Failed my 7 and soon to be 4 year old daughters. I don't know what to do to stop and change. 1 minute I can be thinking of how much I want to be there for my kids and the next I am yelling at them to get away and go play somewhere. I don't know how to deal with everything going on in my head. I hate feeling like this, but I don't know how to start changing. I don't know how to go further in life without my marriage falling apart. or the seems that hold it together from ripping apart. I can't see the end of my marriage, but I can't see myself with the man I married for the rest of my life. I don't know what to do! Don't know how to change!
How does one go into the future knowing that it might not turn out the way we expected, or worse in my case, turn out just the way I expect it to go.
I need God in my life, and I don't know how to even do that. What should be one of the easiest things for me to do, I can't! My life is going no where! Absolutely NO WHERE!
Have you heard the song Jesus Take The Wheel by Carrie Underwood? Well I heard it on the radio the other day and it got me thinking... I need to let God take over my life and just guide me to where He wants me to go, but I don't know how to give up control. My first step will be to go to church on Sunday with my girls. Enough is enough! I am letting God take over. I am going to let Him guide me through this life. I am going to trust that He will guide me through the correct road He meant for my life to take. I am praying He paves the road in His grace and sends me to where he needs me to be for my family.
Nothing life ending has ever happened to me because my mother always taught me that with all the bad in the world, we could turn around and find the good. Everything will be OK because God NEVER sends you through something you can't handle! I thank Him every day for the blessings He has sent my way. Though I never feel worthy, I thank Him for everything in my life.

Thankful Days 9, 10, and 11

The last few days have been spent with me in bed battling a time change cold (yes I made that up) My voice is nearly gone and my nasal passages have some blockage going on! I looked down my throat the other day with the (awesome) flashlight on my voice, and there are things back there that shouldn't be! I hate going to the doctor partially because of my no health insurance status and the rest because I hate doctors. So like every other year that I have gotten this sick, I am going to battle it out on my own. At least it isn't the flu or else I would have to send my girls to their grandparents house :) That's me always looking on the bright side of things :) Anyway, here I am. Late as usual with my Thankful's :) 

Thankful Day#9: I am thankful for... my laptop. I love that I can be in my warm bed surfing the web or working on Photoshop. Which brings me to thankful #10... WiFi. Both of these together are amazing! I love technology.

Thankful#11: I am thankful for... my Husband. I know I mentioned family in my other post, but today I am especially thankful for him. He may not be perfect, but I know he loves me. My sister has been the model house wife to her husband and he still treat her like crap. He cheats on her constantly! I don't understand how someone can do that to the person they supposedly love. I am thankful that regardless of the arguments my husband and I have, I can trust him. 

 

Oops... Days 5, 6, 7, and 8

Lets just say the past few days have been tiring :) On to the reason for this post.

Thankful #5: I am thankful for the many people who love my children. I truly believe that they are extremely blessed with their aunts and uncles, 2 sets of grandparent, 1 set of great-grandparents, and a great-grandmother. I love my family, which brings me to Thankful #6, and love that my children get to know their great-grandmother, my grandma. I am thankful for her every day of my life and truly don't know what I will do when she is no longer with us. I hate to even think on it. I love my guelita so much its indescribable. I am thankful for her :) 

Thankful#7: I am thankful for my sense of humor. (is that weird?) I love that I can laugh at strange situations and (especially) myself. I don't take anything too serious and I always try and see to bright side of any situation. I am a glass half full type of girl :) 

Thankful #8: Today (Nov. 8th) I woke up with a headache. Not the funnest thing when you have to get a 6 and 3 year old out the door in time for school :/ but I got up any way dressed them, did their hair and sent them off. I went back to bed and started playing around with photoshop :) I am thankful for photoshop. I love the program and can literally spend hours working on it :) I love that I am barely getting a handle on everything and love learning new things :)

So, yeah, now I am all caught up. Thank you for reading my silly little posts, or my ever serious ones. Life is so much better now that I can write type what I am thinking anytime of day.

Thankful Day 4

Day 4 of November. I can't believe that this year is about to end. By the first Monday of the new year I will be the 24 year old mother of a 7 year old daughter. I can't believe that! It seems like just yesterday I was holding her at the hospital, and now she's turning 7! Crazy!! 

For my Thankful of the Day :) 
 I am seriously thankful for warm blankets. It the first day of 30 degree weather here in South Texas and honestly to me its freezing :) Its going up to near 70 this afternoon, but this cold morning reminds me how much I love my blankets. And for those of you that your high of the day is 30 degrees, you have to understand this is SOUTH Texas we're talking about. Cool weather to us is mid 60's :) So yes I am thankful for blankets :) 

Thankful Day 3

I woke up this morning LATE! I quickly dressed my girls and sent them with dad to drop them off while on his way to work. (we live in a TINY town so its not a big deal. the elementary school is 3 blocks from my house :)) After waking up and trying super hard to get out of bed I realized that I had a tornado dream... These are SO not my favorite type of dream. Ever since I was a teenager I remember that after a tornado dream something bad happened. The one that stands out the most is the one I got a week or two before my uncle passed away. As soon as I made that realization, I started praying. I called my mom after sending my girls to school and she prayed with me some more. So I decided that I can't keep believing in this. SO I prayed some more and continued on with my day trying not be in a mood. So far its been a great day :)